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SSPEAR Launches Plan to Increase Sustainability


As we all know, the Earth is dying. Recent studies show that studies on sustainability decrease sustainability, due to the fact that studies are often times printed on paper. Paper kills trees; therefore, the studies are not sustainable. Luckily, CMC’s SSPEAR organization has taken the initiative to combat unsustainability.

To minimize the use of paper, SSPEAR plans to eliminate CMC’s privilege of unlimited free printing (while assuring CMC students that their white privilege will remain untouched) and begin to charge $35 per square inch of paper. The profits will go towards the noble cause of increasing the ASCMC President’s paltry salary of $13,635. (For God’s sakes, some of Collin’s staff makes nearly half that amount.)

SSPEAR does not plan on stopping there. They will also petition the Board of Trustees to include iPads (with retina display because why the hell not) in the freshmen orientation packets, pre-stocked with apps like “Yik Yak”, “Grindr” and “Tinder” to help students connect to the community. They also hope the iPads will discourage students from buying textbooks, increasing both sustainability and the number of functionally illiterate students.

Ugh, so suddenly we're just "not supposed to" leave the water running for hours because we like the sound?!?!?!
Ugh, so suddenly we’re just “not supposed to” leave the water running for hours because we like the sound?!?!?!

With regards to water conservation, SSPEAR plans to remove all campus bathroom facilities, encouraging students to make their bowel movements on the Kravis Center front lawn. In addition to increasing sustainability, this will also enhance CMC’s existing landscaping. Anyone who has walked past the Kravis Center has been slapped in the face by the smell of shit. Though that is the smell of fertilizer, it is soon to be the smell of your classmate’s processed dinner.

SSPEAR has also publicly praised the bros for their use of reusable protein shakers: “Thank you for using reusable protein shakers. Not only do they make your biceps throb, but they make our sustainability boners throb as well.” However, SSPEAR notes that the amount of beer cans not being recycled by the bros is ungodly. That is why a beer tap is going to be added to the soda fountain machines at Collins dining hall. SSPEAR hopes that this will reduce the amount of waste generated by CMC students. (Opponents to the measure believe this will actually increase the number of wasted CMC students.)

The organization also plans on collaborating with Pitzer College to create a sustainable hemp farm. The produced hemp will serve to create organic biodegradable clothing and supplies. Whether or not there is any hemp left over from its recreational use is a question worth asking, but not necessarily worth answering. SSPEAR will also collaborate with Pomona College. It has been agreed upon that for every Pomona student that enters Collins, the school will print one less issue of The Student Life. This will not only increase sustainability, but also make the world a better place.

The Golden Antlers would like to contribute to CMC’s commitment to sustainability. In addition to being the second to last thing stopping you from starting your homework, this article also serves as a drinking game. Step 1: Go to Collins and fill a pitcher with beer. Step 2: Find yourself a Roberts Environmental Center analyst and have them read this article. Step 3: Drink anytime the word “sustainability” is mentioned. Ten points for Gryffindor if you take a shit in front of Kravis afterwards.

– Victor Lopez CMC ’17, edited by Christie Kweon SCR ’15


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