The two resident assistants of Stark Hall, CMC’s substance free dorm were arrested Monday afternoon in connection with what Camp Sec officers described as “the second or third worst organ theft ring Claremont has ever seen.” Laila Heid ‘14 and Ben Baker ‘14 used their positions as RAs of the party-free dorm to access students with the only clean livers and kidneys on campus.
Stark resident Harry Johnson, who woke up one Friday morning in the “Ice for Beverages” cooler in Frary with an 8 inch scar on his side, related, “I was drawn to Stark for its clean, quiet living spaces and supportive community. The RAs are so great! They always make sure we have healthy snacks, and they give us free mandatory blood tests to make sure we’re not sick. So when I woke up in the Frary ice bucket, the first thing I did was talk to Laila. She told me I had probably gotten drunk for the first time the night before, and kidney loss was a natural side effect of hangovers”.
Several students have come forward with similar stories, but others have disappeared completely. Over the years, several Stark residents have gone missing, with the RAs explaining their disappearances by saying they probably, “transferred to BYU or somewhere more their speed.” Authorities have begun to search for bodies, starting the investigation with those creepy-ass busts in the window of the art building at Scripps and the tacos at Oldenborg.
CMC President (and father of confirmed hottie Caleb Chodosh) Hiram Chodosh confirmed today that at least 7 such missing persons cases have been confirmed. But what were the RAs doing with all these organs? It has been revealed that big CMC donor Jack Stark demanded much more than his name on a building. In exchange for Stark’s continued support, the Stark RAs harvest organs from residents to transplant into Mr. Stark in his quest for immortality.
It appears that Mr. Stark was not the only recipient of these illegal transplants. An examination of the medical files kept in the secret underground Mudd hospital where the procedures took place revealed that many prominent members of the CMC community were receiving organs. Several coolers in the operating room were marked “Spare Parts for Future Landgrafs”. Inside were dozens of jawbones and firm but not quite large enough to be intimidating pectoral muscles. Another cooler marked “Pam Gann’s heart” was empty, save for a flock of bats that emerged when it was opened.
– Liat Kaplan CMC ’17 with help from Lucas Van Houten CMC ’14, and Ari Saperstein PZ ’15