As of last month, CMC sophomore and PPE major Kevin Wilson was set to travel to China next year for his semester abroad, during which he, in his own words, hoped to “learn about global politics, experience a new culture, and bang a bunch of foreign chicks.” However, something big happened last week, something that would change Wilson’s life forever. “It was just like any other Tuesday,” Wilson reported, “my friend John suggested we grab lunch at Scripps before Econ 50.” Normally, Wilson heads straight for the burger bar, but this time something was different. There was some force drawing him to the other side of the room, all the way to the international station. “Yeah, man, it was wild,” Wilson elaborated. (Edit: Upon further investigation, we at the Golden Antlers have found the source of this mysterious force. According to friend and lunch companion John, “Are you kidding? What bullshit is Kev telling you guys? He saw that hot girl he’s been scheming and wanted to go stand behind her in line.”) Five minutes later, Wilson took the first bite of his international lunch–and that’s when everything changed. The need to travel suddenly vanished, as Wilson knew he finally understood the world completely and perfectly. “It was like Nirvana,” he said. After realizing he could get everything he needs from the world right in Malott, Wilson immediately emailed CMC’s Center for Global Education and cancelled his trip to China. He said that, while eating his Korean Fried Chicken with Vegetables, he could really “taste the orient” and knew the trip would be a waste of time. After overhearing this from the next table, Scripps professor of geography and cultural studies Dr. Colton Haynes promptly slapped Wilson across the face.