This coming week, Student Health Services (SHS) will implement a new plan to solve their staff shortage. In a public statement, they acknowledged the severity of the problem while emphasizing their main priority: finding skilled individuals that can fill in the vacant spots at the clinic. To solve the issue, SHS will be hiring actors from LA Casting to permanently fill in the roles of physicians so students can start scheduling appointments once again.
SHS posted to LA Casting on Wednesday morning: “Looking for actors to fill a small role with minimum lines including ‘take some Advil and gargle saltwater.’ It’s a very easy role with low commitment. All skill levels welcomed, as no one will be as incompetent as the front desk attendants that know nothing about how to sign-in on those shitty iPads.”
Students are relieved to hear that they can schedule appointments again, as this year’s outbreak of people with sore throats has already infected 20000 freshmen. Jeremy Pitts, CMC ‘23, told The Golden Antlers, “After Toga I think I may have contracted some sort of STI, but I haven’t had the ability to get my cock checked because SHS told me they had no room. Honestly, I am thrilled that I can schedule an appointment now since it’s pretty red. ”
When asked whether the actors were qualified for the position, SHS responded, “A couple of the actors had a two-episode cameo on ‘Days of Our Lives’ where they played a surgeon’s assistant, so we’re more than confident that they will be able to fill the role.”
When pressed further about the legality of the situation, SHS retorted, “We can find some fake Harvard Ph.D.’s, print them out, frame them, and hang them on the wall. We’ve been doing it for years already.” They continued on to say, “With the new influx of staff, we’re hoping to cut our wait times down from four weeks to 13 days.”
The actors will start this upcoming Monday. One actor who was an extra on Grey’s Anatomy excitedly told us, “My whole career has been leading up to this. I’ve been applying ice packs and telling people to ‘come back if it gets worse’ since I landed the part.”
Best of luck to the new staff! Break a leg!