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Student’s Decision to Skip Coachella Entirely Based on Moral Values and Not the Fact that They Spent All Their Money On JUUL Pods

 

This week, role model and upstanding citizen Sarah Clarke (POM ‘20) made the brave and altruistic decision to not join her friends in their annual trip to Coachella. When asked what inspired her righteous act, Clarke stated “Honestly, I just feel like I’m one drop in a lake, and I just hope that it causes a ripple,” as she took a fat rip from her juul.

Her friends were shocked nonetheless, as they have been talking about going to Coachella all year and were confused when Sarah claimed she was boycotting the event. “I mean, we all bought our tickets presale last year and even found an AirBNB to stay in for a pretty good price. It just came as a surprise to us since Sarah was constantly talking about how excited she was to see Ariana Grande and Billie Eilish perform live. I guess it makes more sense now that she kept putting off actually buying her ticket for weekend 1” says Kristie Chen (POM ‘20).

Clarke justifies her decision claiming, “Look everyone knows that Coachella is totally run by a fascist pig that continuously donates to anti-gay organizations, I’m just here to stick it to the man. It doesn’t feel right to me to give money to a corporation that goes against everything that I stand for. I mean I’m not someone that claims to be woke but is actually a performative activist, I actually am someone who makes decisions for society, and if that means that I should be given a Nobel Peace Prize, so be it.” When asked how she felt about missing Janelle Monáe, Clarke thoughtfully responded, “What the FUCK? Janelle Monáe is performing, too? Fuck me, man. I mean, like, I’m not that pressed about it,” as a singular tear welled in the corner of her eye before being wiped away on the corner of her vape.

Coincidentally, Clarke currently has less than $20 in her trust fund and about $4 in cash in her wallet after buying a bulk order of 300 pods and a Gucci case for her JUUL on 5c For Sale/ For Free. However, despite spending all her money on this impulsive purchase, she claims that she still wouldn’t have gone because she totally isn’t wanting to go see Gambino perform live for one of the last times at all, like not even a little bit.

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