A mock State of The Union address at 6:30 pm kicks off a weeklong Senate simulation for members of Jack Pitney’s Congress class and its Pitzer counterpart. Students enrolled in the class must propose and attempt to pass bills, recruit witnesses, follow parliamentary procedure, wear business attire, and spend approximately six hours a day in a small room pretending to make a difference, much like real-life senators.
Unfortunately, student peers and the Facebook community at large have concluded that Pitney’s students are “taking themselves way too goddamn seriously.” For this simulation each student must take on the personality and views of a chosen senator, yet witnesses attest that many eager beavers have taken things way too far. Initially students merely changed their profile pictures, made fake twitter handles, and practiced accents, but the path towards senator impersonation is a slippery slope.
Junior Adrian Vallenza, impersonating Senator Debbie Stabenow [D – MI}, has admitted to ‘doping’ or getting shots of estrogen in the weeks leading up to simulation in order to appear and act more feminine. Vallenza explained, “If all that’s standing in between me and an A in this course is a couple of man boobs and a higher voice, you can bet your sweet buns I’m gonna go for it” as he reapplied his mauve old-lady lipstick.
Other senators have gone to similarly extreme lengths. The Golden Antlers has received information that the student impersonating Representative Tammy Baldwin [D – WI] spent the majority of White Party experimenting with her sexuality or, as she called it, “getting into character.”
The student representing Senator Lindsey Graham [R – SC] reportedly gathered six of his closest Latino friends and practiced denigrating them. The student in question said, “At first it was hard to discredit an entire race of people, but, you know, practice makes perfect. I feel I am ready for simulation.” Similarly, the student representing Bernie Sanders [I – VA] announced that he felt he was making marked improvement towards coming up with a convincing argument that global climate change doesn’t exist. He confirmed, “I’m not sure if this will get me extra credit, but I’ve halfway convinced myself that the sun revolves around the earth.”
Said real-life congresswoman Judy Chu [D – CA] in a phone interview, “I mean, good God, these undergraduates have done more in four days than we’ve done as a legitimate legislative body in four terms.” Chu added, “kissasses.”
Professor Pitney could not be reached for comment, but Golden Antlers staffers did receive information that he has spent the last month locked in his office laughing maniacally.
At press time, The Golden Antlers has been offered millions of dollars in bribes in “diplomacy dollars” (our currency expert values a diplomacy dollar as roughly seven times less valuable than monopoly money) to post slanderous articles about rival senators. Though Iraq has declared war on our staff at least three times, there is also a hearing scheduled for Tuesday about a bill that declares The Golden Antlers to be a tax-exempt organization and to create a commemorative coin, so we’ve got our fingers crossed.
We pride ourselves on being a publication with integrity (it’s ok, The Student Life, we’ll explain it to you later) and have refused to accept sexual or monetary favors from senators eager to improve their grade through media influence. That being said, anyone who doesn’t vote for Senator Jeanne Shaheen’s [D – NH] bill to fund education for impoverished Pakistani girls hates children and is probably going to burn in hell for ever and ever. Amen.
– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15