Protests erupted as “Rocky Thunder Orgasm,” a show horse from Topeka, Kansas, was escorted from Scripps premises last Thursday after repeated complaints from students. The controversy followed a decision from the Scripps College Office of Admission to admit the horse after Orgasm submitted a “staggeringly high” ACT score of 5, according to Scripps Chief Admission Officer, Buffalo Bill. Orgasm reportedly scored a whopping 2 in the Science category. Orgasm would have been the Claremont College’s first nonhuman student since Ol’ Yeller graduated from Claremont McKenna in 1859, shortly before the fall of the Confederacy.
The controversial decision has been largely ignored by both left-wing and right-wing publications because nobody has any idea what the fuck their stance is on a horse going to college. A Breitbart reporter commented, “as long as the horse pays full tuition, she has every right to attend college in the God Damned Good Ol’ U.S. of Motherfuckin’ A.” Meanwhile, a CNN reporter went on the record saying that, “as long as the horse doesn’t have to pay a cent of tuition then she has every right to attend college in this godforsaken hellhole of a country.” A commentator on Reddit going by the username “ganja_dave” has hailed the controversy as the “most united this country has been since they shut down the Club Penguin servers.” However, the Scripps administration has remained adamant in their decision to revoke Orgasm’s offer of admission. They have also refused to comment on the matter as they told the Golden Antlers to “Get off our high horse and let the Admissions office do their job.”
Rocky Thunder Orgasm was unavailable for comment, but a statement from her lawyer said that, while Orgasm may have lost the battle, she was determined to whinny the war.