This past week saw bloodshed as local militias engaged in a war for choice T-Swift seats
In what experts are calling “the next Libya,” tensions between rival factions erupted today as local militias began a violent struggle for tickets to tonight’s Taylor Swift concert.
The concert, playing at Bridges Auditorium, begins tonight at 8. Many students went so far as to sacrifice livestock and roommates to influence their chances of receiving a ticket, but in most cases such gruesome petitions went unfulfilled. Astonishingly, the situation has grown even more desperate.
Local militias, largely armed with black market AK47’s and lethally modified HvZ Nerf Guns have skirmished for control of tickets to the Grammy award winning pop/country singer’s performance. In one recent gunfight, 36 freshmen were gunned down at Tea today, by a group of upperclassman girls waving black flags, chanting “Seniority! Seniority!” Their prize, a collection of row G and H seats predominantly in the center of the house, was described as “pretty dope.”
Of the casualties, 27 were critically wounded and 19 are never ever ever ever getting up again.
An international response to the conflict has stalled in the UN Security Council with Russia and
China opposing intervention. Meanwhile, intermittent violence has spread onto Scripps and Pomona campuses, allegedly rich in tickets as close as rows D and C. The battles are expected to intensify, and the tenant of basic human decency to completely break down, as students jockey for spots in line at the theater. Many think a unified response is needed to prevent total chaos.
“It is imperative that the UN act on this issue,” says one senior diplomat close to the negotiations. “I shudder to think what will happen if we fail to get the violence under control by the time Childish Gambino arrives in November.” The results could be “unimaginable.”
Ms. Swift could not be reached for comment with respect to the violence. However, with respect to tonight’s free concert at a relatively unknown liberal arts college, the pop-star wishes to “get it fucking over with.”
– Dante Toppo ’15 CMC
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