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Tea Time turns Violent

Strawberry Shortcake or Strawberry Deathcake?

Claremont—At 4:03 PM on Monday, Tea Time turned violent. While tensions over the difficulties of acquiring chocolate

Strawberry Shortcake or Strawberry Deathcake?

covered strawberries have been building for years,  no one assumed the struggle to reach the delicacy would incite violence. According to the Athenaeum server, who chooses to remain anonymous, as soon as she brought out the 4 PM tray, mania ensued. “People started shoving toward the table aggressively. Elbows were flying, and everyone was screaming. I saw red on the table, and I wasn’t sure if it was blood or the fruit punch. It was terrifying.”

While the exact number is unclear, witnesses report that between 10 and 30 students were fighting for the 8 microscopic chocolate covered strawberries located on the tray next to the other, inferior, desserts. Sophomore Demetruis Lalanne commented on the possible racial implications noting, “I never realized the fight over white or dark chocolate could be so intense. I know people like their chocolate, but come on.”

A conversation held among the Athenaeum staff suggests that perhaps offering more chocolate covered strawberries during teatime could help alleviate some of the tension felt on campus. As they began asking students and staff members whether they would prefer white or dark chocolate covered strawberries, strong preferences became evident:

“I find that white chocolate covered strawberries are readily available during tea, while the milk or dark chocolate ones are really dime a dozen,” C. Ragland asserted. “I’m lucky, though, because I prefer white chocolate.

A representative from admissions disagreed: “I think during tea time, we see a very healthy balance of white chocolate and dark chocolate covered strawberries. The general quantity just needs to be increased.”

While there were no casualties, Campus Safety reported two broken noses and a head trauma. An ambulance arrived on the scene shortly thereafter to take those injured to the hospital. All are in stable condition.

The Athenaeum could not be reached for comment.

– Becca Rosenthal ’15


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