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The 5C Challenge: A How to

 

The game, the challenge, the legend. Can you bag someone from all five Claremont Colleges? Don’t fret because this is college and finding a ‘special friend’ for an evening is as simple as lowering both your standards and your inhibitions with the help of a little liquid courage. Now of course you can always use the tried and true sleep-with-everyone-and-eventually-I’ll-get-all-five-schools method but if you want to be a little more targeted in your approach I offer you the following advice on how to complete the 5C challenge.**

**Bonus Points for CGU and the School of Theology.

Scripps:

Ah Scripps College for wome(y)n! All-girls schools have a reputation for lame parties and studious homebodies

Scissor Me Scrippsie

but don’t be fooled. This place is a hot bed of four-year-queers and naïve freshmen ready to experience all that Claremont has to offer.

How to: Sign up for a gender studies class, get a Miley Cyrus inspired do, and leave your bra at home (for dudes, get in touch with your gentle hipster side).* This is a 5C challenge after all. Or you could, you know, go to TNC and look for the high heels and short skirts.

*Note: this method has also proven to be effective at Pitzer. Get those two birds with your one liberal arts cliché stone!

What to expect: First of all, have you been to Scripps? They earned that spot on Princeton Review’s “dorms like palaces” list. Expect to hook up in luxury. And when you’re done, reach out the window and pick an orange for a little post-coital snack. She’ll probably want to cuddle and chances are you’ll probably be like, “one down, four to go” as you expertly navigate the maze of hallways in her dorm only to get hopelessly lost in the goddamned walled in gardens.

Pro Tip: If you feel like bi-curiosity is just too much to ask, there are some y-chromosomes hiding out in Scripps’ post-bac program. It’s poor sportsmanship but I’ll let it slide on a technicality.

Difficulty: 4.

CMC:

Formerly Claremont Men’s College, Claremont McKenna still boasts more bro tanks per capita than frat row at

freshmen girls drink free!

Arizona State with a party scene to match. But remember these little CEOs in the making know love fades, but money is forever, so don’t get attached.

How to: Doesn’t matter where you go, North Quad, the Senior Apts, or TNC, the alcohol will flow and your opportunities are endless. But be careful, the kid who just offered you a red cup of unnamed mixed drink might very well go to Pomona, sucks to suck bro. Impress the cutie on green beach with your keg stands and for the love of god do NOT mention that gender studies class at Scripps you just enrolled in.

What to expect: “Have you seen the view from the roof of the Kravis Center? No? Oh, I have to show you! It’s breathtaking. Yeah you need special key card access to get up there after hours. I have it because I work for the Rose Institute, it’s very prestigious. I’m interning for five different Fortune 500 companies this summer. I’m kind of a big deal.” You won’t be asked to stay the night, but then again do you really want to in a dorm that looks like a sleazy motel? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Pro Tip: Girls, for the first month of school the guy you are dancing with will ask if you go to Scripps. I don’t care if you’re a junior at Pomona, just repeat after me ladies, “YES! I’m a freshman!” Desperate, but effective.

Difficulty: 2 if you’re a freshman girl. 8 for everyone else.

Harvey Mudd:

Their SAT scores are perfect and their starting salary is six figures. They’re a little socially awkward but they have that sexy nerdy style, that’s totally a thing right? At 70% guys, this one is a real challenge for the dudes. Good luck on your hunt for the cuties.Beep beep, beeeeep beeep beep

How to: The elusive Mudders, best found in their natural habitat, don’t often associate with the rest of the Claremont Colleges. Giant bonfires and computer hacking can intimidate even the most experienced 5Cer. Don’t fall for the obvious choices of Foam (hold on, I need to vomit) or Club Two300. Even though these parties are hosted on Harvey Mudd’s campus, you’re as likely to find a Mudder there as you are at a casting call for the Jersey Shore. Time to call up your roommate’s best friend’s lab partner that has that one Mudd friend. Maybe she can introduce you.

What to expect: Expect the unexpected. There might be a cape involved. It might take a Rube Goldberg machine an entire five minutes to hit the snooze button in the morning. Whatever happens it will make one hell of a story. And if you’re lucky you can skip the walk of shame and get a ride home in a motorized little red wagon.

 Pro Tip: Don’t touch ANYTHING. That innocent looking chemistry experiment could very well be a meth lab.

Difficulty: 10. The search for the hot Mudder continues! Seriously guys, if you find one, give him my number?

Pomona:

Their egos are the only thing that’s big on this campus. These guys have some serious East Coast envy and are trying pretty hard not to let it show. It’s the oldest of the five but don’t be fooled by their seniority, everyone here is still bitter they were rejected from Harvard.

Harvard, how COULD you??

How to: Pomona does throw its own parties on occasion, but you’re better off looking for the out of place kid in a button down Thursday night at CMC. You’ll always be able to spot them, they stick together and have a permanent look of smug superiority.

What to expect: You’ll go to SkySpace, the fountain with the light show every hour, where you will be one of seven other couples oohing and ahhing at the show. You’ll be lectured on the importance of Russian literature in modern education on your five hour walk to South Campus which is LITERALLY in the village. He’ll put on Marvin Gaye and you’ll endure fifteen minutes of loud grunts and “say my name, baby” before he rolls over and declares that you just had the best sex of your entire life.

Pro Tip: You’re already in the village, so get your ass to Some Crust for brunch sliders. It’s worth it, trust me those things are fried in delicious and sprinkled with crack.

Difficulty: 1.  I mean, it’s Pomona.

Pitzer:

Known for protesting other protests and driving the Claremont weed market, Pitzer is the epitome of a small liberal arts school. They may not be great at math, but these kids know how to have a good time. While the other four schools are in the library, Pitzer is chilling on the mounds. Spend an hour here and even the most liberal student will start to feel like a racist, homophobic asshole.

you wanna be high for this…

 How to: Befriend that weird kid in your gender studies class whose double major is “Social Constructs of Gender, Queerness, Sexuality, and Propaganda” and “Decolonization of the Mind.” Go to a party where the only music is tribal drums and everyone is on shrooms. Brush hands with the kid who passes you the bong and accept the invitation to a spiritual sexual encounter.

What to expect: His wall is covered in weird Lisa Frank animal stickers that haven’t been cool since second grade and he will refer to the cardboard box in the corner as the “Imagination Station.” He’ll stop making out with you to analyze the lyrics to the painstakingly prepared hook up playlist he casually put on when you guys walked in. After dry humping your leg for a solid twenty minutes he will proudly declare that it is your turn and proceed to hold your hand while muttering “this is so great” into your cleavage. Realize that you are clearly not on his level and quietly slip out. Hear from a mutual friend two days later how he apparently had the “most intimate sex of his lifetime.”

Pro Tip: If someone offers you drugs (they will), take them. Shit is gonna get weird and you might as well enjoy the ride.

 Difficulty: 5. Most kids at Pitzer are down to try anything once, take advantage.

Good luck and remember, when all else fails, there’s always No Regrets.

– Haley Patoski ’14 CMC

Comments

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  1. this is disgusting. when I read articles like this that categorize all 5-c students in different boxes it sheds light on how many people here spend more time in front of their computers than actually interacting with people outside of their hall. thus forcing you to resort to outdated and offensive stereotypes about the other schools and painfully contrived humor.
    get out of your room sometime and actually get to know people.

     
    • I am so glad you wrote this response.
      I never realized how much I sit in my room and don’t interact with people and it’s amazing how you were able to come to that conclusion solely by reading this article without needing to know anything about the broad category of people you described in this way. So thank you so much for illuminating that about me.
      I also am really impressed that you brilliantly intuited that the author of this piece actually believes these stereotypes, rather than mocking them for comedic effect. See I assumed that the latter was the case based on the fact that I thought this was a comedy site. Now I know that the article is disgusting, and that the author should be ashamed.
      I’m going to go out and meet some people tonight to further reinforce these snap judgements.
      Thank you, sincerely thank you

       
  2. This is noticeably a one sided analysis of the 5-c hook up culture. While it contained a large portion of truth, there is an entirely different side to the world of the 5-c stereotypes if looked at through the spectacles of a male in Claremont. You’ve got some research to do…

     
    • Nope, this is entirely fact. There is no other perspective to the Claremont hook up culture. EVERY hook up you ever have will fall into one of these five scenarios. I promise.

       
  3. Most of us might not get out to the other 5C’s much, but we’re pretty friendly to visitors… You also forgot to mention lasers and vibration tables under what to expect 😉

     

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Former Dean Dick Vos Speaks at Athenaeum on Inflation

Where are they now?: The prospie you lost at the party last Saturday.