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The Assanaeum F**knightly: Spicy Public V-Day Sex?

 

Dear D,

“The big V-day is coming up and what better gift to give my hookup/mancandy than sex in public? Can you recommend a location on the 5C campus that won’t get us arrested or seriously injured? Any tips?

– Budding Voyeur”

My Dearest Budding Voyeur,

You must be of the freakiest variety and only another freak would be able to answer your question. Lucky enough for you I have been doing some research about some star-studded spaces to have sex. Here’s a brief list I came up with:

CMC:

The CMC Tennis Courts: this place is a bit hit or miss, you’re either alone or you may find yourself in a soul train. I’d say make your way to a far corner and start slow, that way you can feel out whether anyone else is going to be stopping by.

 

Crusty hammock = nature's aphrodisiac
Crusty hammock = nature’s aphrodisiac

Track and Field Bleachers: Again, not the most conspicuous place but on a good night only one or two drunk people will be passing by and most of them don’t bother look at (or underneath) the bleachers. It has some nice depth changes for some cool positions.

C Hall Roof: I have some friends who have climbed up to partake in some other activities and I don’t see why it can’t me a multipurpose roof.

Athenaeum Roof: During Monte Carlo some drunk assholes climbed up onto the patio above the Ath and consequently gave me a great idea. Don’t know how you get up there but, well at least we know it can be done.

Above Ath/Mid Roberts-South: There are some old offices and the home of the Gould Center. It’s kind of industrial, but hey some people are into that. Not many points of exit but isn’t that all the fun?

Pomona:

Greek Theater: There’s an amphitheater in the back woods, great acoustics, bring a blanket, some candles, and you’ve got yourself a great night.

Courtyard of the Art Musuem: If you go past midnight when all of the residents of Claremont are tucked snuggly in bed and not a soul is that far south on Pomona’s campus you can head towards the courtyard of the Art Museum. Plus if you get caught you can just call it art.

 

also a good option
also a good option

Second Floor of Seaver Theater: Again the deeper south you go the better chance you have of not getting caught. Seaver Theater has a nice greek aesthetic and the second floor is never traversed.

Pomona Hall Roof: Nice roof. I mean, do you need anymore than that?

Soccer Field next to Frank: Big expanse of space, very few people walking by. Looking at the stars while getting a blow job anyone?

Organic Garden Trails: If you are of a crunchier, more granola, variety then you can check out the trails of the organic garden. It’s the equivalent of taking a hike except its sex.

Pitzer:

Anywhere: seriously.

Mudd:

Linde Field: if you don’t mind the possibility of sitting on bunny poop, or watching a coyote pick up a bunny, then Linde field is pretty empty sometimes.

Scripps:

Not on my watch.

All in all, please just have sex in the CMC “Living Room”/Kube, but I hope this list helps.

Best,

D

– Demetrius Lalanne CMC ’15

** Do you have questions for The Assanaeum F**knightly? Submit your sexy-sexy-time questions here to our anonymous google doc.

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