The End of the Girls’ College

 

This past Saturday, Scripps College received news that the end of the women’s college has arrived. Luckily, the news came from Scripps’ caring friend the Claremont Independent, who was kind enough to inform them it was time to go.

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1.

All misandric Scripps students acknowledge there is no longer a reason for them to continue their education at this “outdated institution” and pack their bags. With their papier-mâché molds of the female anatomy in hand, they depart into the night.

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2.

Trans males apply to the new Scripps, excited to raise immediate concerns about feeling “marginalized and out of place because of the women-centric rhetoric at the college” upon arrival. “Scripps is one of my dream schools,” says hopeful high school senior Josh Bowdoin, “second only to Hampden-Sydney men’s college. And I really want to go to school at a place where I feel like I just don’t belong.”

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3.

“Collision of the transgender movement with the values of the modern liberal campus” was indeed Scripps’ ultimate “undoing.”

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4.

Every cisgendered Scrippsie drops out to raise the children she has with her CMC husband. As she should.

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5.

“Ad hoc rationalization” that Scripps is for the “gender marginalized” obviously proven untrue, since transgender people have never been marginalized, ever.

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6.

Cisgendered male Scripps Post-Baccalaureate Pre-med student Michael Kang upset that the CI never wrote an article about him.

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7.

Fruits on Scripps trees shrivel and warp, begin to resemble male genitalia

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8.

Undercover journalistic search into Scripps admissions archives reveals Brad Richerdsen rejected from the college in ‘12

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9.

College releases official statement about post-trans policy Scripps: “trigger warning trigger warning trigger warning trigger warning trigger warning trigger warning trigger warning trigger warning”

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10.

CMC now actually admitting companies, threatening the sanctity of college education across the United States. “School for both companies and humans?! What are we going to do about the personhood rhetoric?!” says a confused sophomore.

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11.

If the college’s motto is up for grabs, we’d like to throw our suggestion in for consideration. “Scripps: The Golden Antlers College,” anyone?

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12.

Scripps College president Lori Bettison-Varga spray paints huge graffiti dicks on the side of the Sally Tiernan Field House; runs, laughing maniacally, into the sunset.

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13.

Abandoned Scripps campus quickly becomes infested with Claremont squirrel population, now ‘Scripps: The Squirrels’ College’

– Abby O’Brien SCR ’18, Sabra Stratton SCR ’18, and Emily Armstrong SCR ’17

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