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The Fortnightly: January 2014



January 30 2014                                                                                              Vol. 29, No. 08 

 “Geopolitical Tension in the Far East: A Roadmap for the Disarmament, Demobilization, and Reintegration of North Korea.”

Dr. Dennis Rodman

Monday, February 3,2014

In his talk sponsored by the CPRUUMRJ (The Center for Padding the Resumes of Underqualified Undergrads with Meaningless “Research Jobs”) Rodman, who has the fashion sense, facial piercings, and political knowledge of a Pitzer student, will disclose the details behind his basketball diplomacy campaign in East Asia. This five-year collaboration by the FBI, NSA, KLI, and Mr. Rodman aims to neutralize the nuclear ambitions and capabilities of the Northern Regime. Mr. Rodman has been praised for his immense vocabulary as well as his stoic demeanor during his incredibly difficult and dangerous deployments in the region. Rodman will also unveil details of his upcoming trip to Syria to visit his “new best friend Bashir.”


 “Bridging Together America in 2016”

NJ Governor Chris Christie

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Presidential hopeful Governor Christie will focus the majority of his talk on reducing polarization in American political dialogue, drawing personal examples from his proven track record of bipartisanship. This will be Governor Christie’s first ever trip to the West Coast, and CMC is thankful to the team at Airbus for finally building a jet that can get off the ground with the Governor onboard. Mr. Christie’s aids would also like us to inform students that, “If any of you fucks even thinks about protesting this talk, we will literally cut you. “

Special Menu: In celebration of the governor’s New Jersey roots, our esteemed chef will be serving plates of diverse prosciuttos and summer-sausages as hors d’oeuvres, meatball hoagies as a main course, and meat pies as a sumptuous dessert.  Enjoy!


““I’m Back Bitches: But Only As A Professor, Whatever I Don’t Even Care I Have A Lawn Dedicated to Me”

President Emeritus, Pamela Gann

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

After spending a year in Tibet hunting Mammoths with a group of monks, Pam Gann (P.Gannz, PG13, Da Boss, The Godfather, No Pame No Gane) is back to her old stomping grounds! Our insiders tell us that Pam Gann will give her thoughts on the progress of her hunky replacement. Apparently, his 100 million dollar fundraising campaign is “adorable,” and she is sorry for, “leaving boogers in all the couch cushions in the President’s House.”


“Built To Fail: The Irony of My Early Demise.”

Steve Jobs

Thursday, February 6, 2014

In a Tupac-at-Coachella-esque hologram performance, Ashton Kutcher look alike Steve Jobs will discuss the controversial half life batteries that have been a staple in Apple products as well as his top 10 favorite Windows Vista jokes. This talk is sponsored by the life savings, and future children’s college fund of one Mike Malsed.


 “If you didntt no im frum the PNW and I heart Seahawk!!!”

Dean of Students Staff Member, Heather

Monday, February 10, 2014

Heather will focus her talk on writing unbiased emails that don’t insult Broncos fans, the killing of the beloved CMC subsidy program, and of course, her denial of involvement in the recent disappearance of one Jimbo Nalllz


“If I Did It”

George Zimmerman

Tuesday, February 11, 2014


 “If I did it”

Mark Bluemangroup ’14

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

In this talk on personal and social responsibility, Mark will discuss the benefits of having Campus Safety looking out for us students. According to Mark, by shutting down parties and slowly destroying everything that makes CMC unique, DOS is keeping us all safe. (After all, the safest students are the ones binge drinking alone in their dorm room on a Saturday night!) Mark has also expressed a willingness to talk about his upcoming book “Heather’s Emails: Wordporn, Poetry, or Both?”


 “The Kennedys: Where they went wrong.”

Gavin and The Landgarf Family

Thursday, February 13, 2014

I’m pretty sure there’s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is. This is a follow up talk to President Brodosh’s opening Ath talk, “Modeling Shirtless 101” and will likely touch upon many of the same themes. Please be advised that Gavin will not be accepting any questions about his mustache.


 “Giving Zero Fucks and Doing Whatever I Want All the Time.”

Vladamir Putin

Monday, February 17, 2014

No seriously, I literally can do anything I want.



Dean Voss

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Dean Dick Voss, in his first public appearance back at CMC since he voluntarily resigned in early 2012, will return to the Ath to talk on inflation. His talk was simply entitled “Inflation”, a very unhelpful title that seems to have never been checked by other employees at the college before being put out into the public eye. Randomly, he also plans to speak on moving his old office – Admissions – to The Cube, so that there may be some transparency.


 “Ok Seriously Guys, Stop Throwing Glass”

Campus Security

Wednesday, February 19, 2014


“Hillary’s Big Return in 2016: A Discussion of Personal Politics and Goal Setting”

Hillary Duff

Thursday, February 20, 2014

– Ender Wiggin CMC ’15

with joke contributions by Maddy Stein CMC ’15

copy-editor: Christie Kweon SCR ’15,   graphic designer: Julia Comnes SCR ’16


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