Something is horribly, horribly wrong at CMC, and it looks like The Forum may have found the cause. In the article “Partying Like a Pre-Professional,” one esteemed Forum writer recounts his first-hand experience at TNC. Being the first Forum writer to ever attend one of these events, he was shocked to find that, instead of engaging in lofty intellectual bullshitting (err… academic conversation), the masses of students at TNC were partaking in some kind of drunken, unholy fuck-fest.
This Forum writer, in horror, has asked us to “Take a closer look at the seething herd of kids rubbing on each other in their TNC pen next Thursday. Do they look reflective? Do they look fulfilled?”
No, The Forum, they do not look reflective OR fulfilled! (It has been confirmed that reflection and fulfillment are, in fact, the two stated goals of TNC). We here at the Golden Antlers always take everything that The Forum says completely seriously, so we have taken their advice and reviewed the evidence. And you know what? We think that The Forum might be onto something! “Herds of kids”? “Rubbing on each other?” “Pens”??? Anyone with half a brain can clearly see that the monstrous institution known as TNC is turning CMC students into animals. And not just figuratively. CMC students have been turned into literal farm animals. For realsies.
We don’t know how we could have missed this before. While CMC students once “sipped beers and talked about the Federalist papers on Thursday nights” (before, presumably, walking uphill to school both ways and calling their beau on a rotary phone), they can now be found grazing on Green Beach and lowing. Students with Friday morning hangovers? Try trapped in a bovine haze of satisfaction, destined to spend the rest of their lives as another cog in Big Dairy. A once vibrant social and academic culture, CMC has become an Orwellian nightmare of epic proportions. With ten times the horse shit.
In a rush to deal with this new crisis of identity and livestock, the CMC administration has quickly halted all construction on the new C-Hall dorm, and is repurposing the land for silos and pens to house the new animal-students. Pomona has also generously offered to loan out its farmland to CMC students until the appropriate housing can be constructed on campus.
“How can I protect myself from this animalification?” you may be wondering. Well, The Forum has the answer to this too. According to the article, all college students are lost, aimless people who have no idea what life is about and must spend their college years soul-searching.
According to a literal twenty-year-old, you have to look deep inside yourself and find the answer. You have to wonder: are the lecherous middle-aged alumni traipsing around with enough liquid capital to LITERALLY BUY A COUNTRY AND FILL IT WITH TRAMPOLINES really happy? No, long term happiness requires being at peace with yourself, being at home in your animalhood, and getting fresh corn in your trough.
Therefore, we should all just stop partying and listen to this enlightened college junior who has found the meaning of life. He has the answers.
Thank goodness we have The Forum looking out for us.
– Three Golden Antlers staffers grinning through a tequila haze and grinding our genitals into warm flesh.
(AKA Brendan Busch CMC ‘18 with comedic help from Clancy Tripp CMC ‘15, and Elliot Warner CMC ‘18.)
P.S. You can’t pregame life? Tell that to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome!