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The Golden Antlers Answers College Confidential Questions

 

We can all agree that College Confidential is a soul-sucking mind-numbing cesspool of “chance me??” threads and high school students who know nothing answering each other’s questions.  We here at The Golden Antlers thought we’d do you a solid and address some of the most pressing questions these college hopefuls had to ask.

 

1Edgy, in this case, means tightly wound, or “on edge.” Pomona students are characteristically afraid of being exposed for their intellectual shortcomings, so they give off an impression of being on edge. Imagine the embarrassment of being called out at a cocktail party when your explanation of the moral quandary in Guy DeBord’s “The Spectacle” sounds suspiciously like a monologue from Batman: The Dark Knight.

In this case, “SoCal sunshine” refers to hydroponic weed laced with Xanax.

 

2

Did you mean Liquor Land? We think you meant Liquor Land. Because Some Crust is disgusting. Like, if you try to go eat breakfast there on Sunday morning you will be confronted by a goddamn ghost town. Their breakfast sandwich has herpes. Take our word for it, steer clear of Some Crust.

3

Yeah we have a balance of personalities. Some people lead SIF, and some people lead SOURCE. What more could you want hippie? Good luck getting an offer at Deloitte with an attitude like that.

 

4

What are you, a f#@king NARC? Yeah, it’s true, but the only people who have a problem with it are basically terrorists.

5

Never fear Desiomedia, you are looking in the right place! Well, almost the right place. You’re going to want to walk roughly 200 feet across Walker beach, take a right and go about ten more feet. There. We think that answers your question!

6

Before we address your question, it must be said that Pitzer is a good fit for anyone’s D. Anyways, if by ‘bad’ you mean ‘dank,’ then yes, Pitzer is bad to the bone. Pitzer students and quirky enough to use the pages or Princeton Review’s 379 Best Colleges to roll a sick blunt. They’re liberal enough to ditch the Urban Outfitters dresses you bought them to hang out on the Mounds wearing nothing but the sweet green haze of Mary Jane. And they’re just ‘free-spirited’ enough to not tell you that if you send your daughter to a liberal arts college in Southern California for around $55,000, of fucking course she’s going to be presented with the opportunity to get blazed out of her mind.

7

Yes, each Scripps student is expected to bring their own broom and/or vacuum to maintain the cleanliness of personal spaces, communal areas, and CMC in general.

8

Colleges That Use Ranking Systems to Compensate for Their Students’ Penis Size – Forbes

We also aren’t big on using third party sources to prove that we are objectively better than the rest of you, but for those who seek that sort of validation, Pomona scored well.

9

I mean yeah speaking frankly here, they’re way TOO down to fuck, if anything. it’s really difficult to be a male at Pitzer with all of these cockhungry wildebeests chasing after you. It’s like, I’m a human being not just a piece of man candy for you all to fight over, you feel?

-Ari Saperstein PZ ’15, man capable of feelings and aspirations, thank you very much

 

p.s. It is the medical opinion of the Golden Antlers staff that the poster of this question is, by no means, mature enough for any type of “secx.”

10

What is this, 1993? Yeah, go ahead, bring your ti-89. We’ll feature it in our museum of useless technology next to the VCR and iPod Nano and use the inside wiring to build a drone that brings beer to our bedroom windows.

– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, Sam Pitcavage CMC ’15, Ari Saperstein PZ ’15, concept by Christie Kweon SCR ’15

p.s. Today is the last day to order our sexy 6:01 tank.  The ASCMC version was released yesterday, but we’ll let you be the judge of which tank is more likely to set lady loins afire.

p.p.s. This:

Screen Shot 2014-08-15 at 1.12.33 PM

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