Buried deep (yeah, right there) in the back pages of the Claremont Colleges’ erotic publication The Student Life, a relic from the days of Sex in the City, phone sex hotlines, and grainy VHS pornos lives on with surprising stamina: the sex column. Once considered the highest form of college journalism, the sex column is now less popular than the sports section and is much harder to come by in college publications outside the Consortium.
There are several reasons for the nationwide abandonment of college sex columns. According to a longtime Claremont (train) running coach, the main reason for their decline is simply because “the other colleges are a bunch of prudes.”
“The 5Cs welcome the opportunity to publicly acknowledge the unrelenting horniness of their unique, incestuous hookup culture,” he said. A cursory glance at the yik yak feed by Golden Antlers analysts revealed that though it may appear that 80% of students “just want someone to cuddle with ;)” all postings were in fact traced back to a certain lonely editor-in-chief of the GA staff.
Some sexperts say that another reason for the disappearance of the sex column is because, outside of Claremont, “kids these days just aren’t having sex anymore.” Although this may seem surprising, it’s true. Studies show that approximately 90 percent of all Tinder traffic occurs within the 5C campus bounds, which reflects the validity of this 100 percent accurate postulation.
Still others blame the sex columnists’ fears of leaving an embarrassing legacy behind. To account for this discomfort, The Student Life asks that the sex columnists stay anonymous. This year’s columnist applied for the job and initially wanted to use his real name, but editors convinced him not to because of his position as President of Claremont McKenna College. To remain (balls) deep undercover, he uses a pen(is) name that rhymes with a sex act.
Remaining anonymous “makes it easier for me to express myself,” he says, “and it won’t come back to bite me or (choke me or spank me or slap me and call me a little slut) in the future. After all, there’s more at stake for me as the president of the college compared to a student who can just cum and go after four years. I have to maintain my reputation as the respectable, honest man who also happens to be the absolute authority on getting kinky.”
As per his request, we have withheld the name of the columnist, but he did tell us that he “identifies as a Samantha, but definitely acts like a Carrie sometimes.”
– Liat Kaplan CMC ’17 and Clancy Tripp CMC ’15