The Golden Antlers’ New Years Apologies

 

2012 has certainly been a crazy year for The Golden Antlers!  We’ve received over over 35,000 views in three months, the search term “Karl Marx titties” apparently leads to our website on occasion, and 124 of you like us on Facebook.  Additionally, famed statistician Nate Silver estimates that Editor-in-Chief Clancy Tripp has experienced “a marked 97.4% increase in biddies and groupies.” We’d like to thank our readers and, more importantly, sum up the year by apologizing to everyone we’ve offended.

A list of people/parties that we, The Golden Antlers, have personally offended:

Claremont McKenna College Students: On behalf of The Golden Antlers, we’d like to apologize for calling you out on being money-grubbing douchebags, now please explain the fiscal cliff to us because we’re scared.

Pitzer College Students: We’re sorry for accusing you of being dirty protest-obsessed hippies. #StillMadAboutKarlRoveTho #NobodyPutsCondyInTheGym

Harvey Mudd College Students: Sorry for assuming you’re a bunch of computer obsessed nerds.  Additionally:

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Scripps College Students: Our apologies for making lowbrow women’s college jokes. Also: boobies.

Harvard Pomona College Students: We’re sorry for making fun of how pretentious you are. Surely being a part of the crimson the Sagehens makes you feel special. Further, we’re sure you can agree that The Harvard Lampoon can suck it.

Former Dean Dick Vos: We are 2400% sorry

New Years Resolution: be less awesome so that The Student Life doesn't feel so bad

New Years Resolution: be less awesome so that The Student Life doesn’t feel so bad

President Pamela Gann: Our sincerest apologies to you and each of your pantsuits.

Prospies: Listen, if you cant handle TNC, you weren’t gonna make it here anyways. We did you a favor

Date Rapists Everywhere: Roofies are no joking matter, we’d like to take you out to drinks to apologize. Ignore us if we guard our beverage like it’s The One Ring To Rule Them All

The CMC Forum: Like a younger sibling, we strive to emulate you.  We hereby apologize for exceeding you in coolness so quickly.

Future CMC President Hiram Chodosh: We haven’t consulted Scripps on this yet, but objectification is ok as long as it’s a man, right?

Donald Glover: We called you “Danny,” you called us all “Pomona.” Well played, sir.

The Frary Mural: Like you didn’t expect a college satirical website to make that many dick jokes…

Henry Kravis: We are $o $o $o $orry about making fun of you for being ob$cenely rich.

Snapchat Users:  Actually, we’re not sorry, because now the search term “Ronald Reagan Penis” occasionally leads to The Golden Antlers website.

The CMS Homecoming Court:  Wait, what the fuck, CMS had a homecoming?

Winter, Spring, and Fall:  Dear seasons, stop acting like you’re all Summer and we’ll stop making fun of you.

The Hub:  We’ll talk when you look a little less like IKEA just vomited all over you.

Highschool Butt-Grabbing Victims: In our defense, Dean Spellwoman used the word “buttocks” in an email and we weren’t strong enough to resist that kind of comedic temptation.

Suck it, Mayans

Suck it, Mayans

ASCMC: We’re not blackmailing you, but if you throw us a couple hundred bucks so that we can throw a Golden Antlers rager, we’ll scale back a little.

Collins Dining Hall: Ok, we apologize for letting everyone know how much you suck.  In our defense, you did serve us poisoned food, jussayyyinnn.

Taylor Swift: We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again.  We’ll never, ever, ever, ever, make fun of you again.

Human Beings Everywhere:  We’d say we’re sorry, but we’ll probably be even worse in 2013.

Not Included In This List (Parties We Have Not Offended):

Mother Teresa of Calcutta, Mahatma Gandhi, Shirley Temple, Jesus H. Christ, Martin Luther King Jr., Cesar Chavez, King Arthur, Simba, Old Yeller, the original cast of RENT: The Musical, my great aunt Sandy, and the CMS Football team.

On behalf of The Golden Antlers, we’re sorry to everyone we have offended, but not sorry enough to not do it again.  Expect a highly satirical, potentially offensive, Claremont 2013.  As always, please berate us in the comments to your heart’s content and/or fly out to Indiana to personally punch me in the face.

Happy Holidays and Happy 2013!

– Clancy Tripp CMC ‘15

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