It’s almost the 31st, we all know what that means. A new year! (Yes, CMCers, the calendar year is different from the fiscal year). Seeing as the Golden Antlers staff is made up of some pretty wretched human beings, we thought we would provide you with our New Year’s resolutions, because if we can do it, anyone can!

Editor-in-chief/big cheese/pimp-daddy Clancy Tripp: “I resolve to finally get over the fact that SIF rejected me. I resolve to stop using Tinder to get strangers to spot-check my resume. I promise to stop complimenting Ben Turner on Claremont Compliments and just accept that he will never be mine, that stupid narc. I also resolve to stop using the glass ceiling to check my makeup and use it the way all the guys at CMC do: to look down girls’ shirts and see their titties.”

Christie Kweon: “Forgo the greasy pizza at all 6 dining halls and stop hooking up with sketchy bros who don’t care about my recent paper on the role of divine intervention in the Aeneid” (sorry all dudes living south of 9th street, looks like you missed your shot)

Sam Pitcavage: “I resolve to make more male friends. I plan to do this by going to the gym and using lines like “do you work out here often?” or “you look pretty strong, how many of those weights can you lift?” I would also like it if people stopped assuming I’m homosexual. I also want to make a black friend and have a threesome.” (Please forward all applications to thegoldenstagonline@gmail.com)

Clancy resolves to never take a picture like this ever again, I mean, my God...
Clancy resolves to never take a picture like this ever again, I mean, my God…

Liat Kaplan: “Get with the hot son of a certain high-level CMC administrator, eat more veggies, pick more fights with privileged white men, and stop fucking dudes who live in my dorm”

Julia Comnes: “Stop crying about the patriarchy every time I get drunk, comment on every single post on the Claremont Mckenna College Facebook page, make a CMC friend…nah jk.”

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Haley Patoski:  “Lose the ‘thesis thirteen’, pass P.E., find a job,   find the career services office,   marry Henry Kravis”

Charlie Montgomery: “Revive the classic age of Golden Rock”

Lucas Van Houten: “Complete the 5C challenge: overload, take a class at each of the 5 colleges, and achieve a grade of c or below #senioryear”

Theresa Iker: “Following my 22nd birthday in January, I resolve to spend every day feeling happy, free, confused, and lonely at the same time (it’s miserable and magical)”

Zach Miller: “Stop procrastinating writing essays by procrastinating writing Golden Antlers articles instead. Also get with a CMC president’s hot son. Chodosh’s son, one of Gavin or Austin Langraf’s future sons. Whatever. Just a hot fuckin’ CMC presidential son. Not ‘cuz I’m gay, I just want to one-up Liat.”

ugh, we wish Claremont Compliments would resolve to delete Ben Turner as a friend
ugh, we wish Claremont Compliments would resolve to delete Ben Turner as a friend

Ben Turner: “Decide whether to study abroad or whether to stay in Claremont and have my only foreign experience be all of my schooling/trips to Riverside. Mention being from Canada more often. Submit at least 3 Claremont Compliments about myself a week (same as last year).”

Kyle Weiss: “I resolve to not enjoy it so much when I get frisked by the TSA… and to be fully clothed in at least 60% of future snapchats. I’m also going to suppress the urge to giggle whenever I mention Seaman Hall on campus tours.”

Ender Wiggin: “I resolve to find out who that damned Kyle Weiss I keep hearing so much about is”

David Leathers: “My resolution is to only open my mouth if I have something nice to say. Unless it’s about Pomona, in which case the opposite applies. Or really whatever pisses me off. Is that fair? I don’t see why these exceptions could be a problem”

Dante Toppo: “I hope to publish an article that doesn’t get me called a racist”
The entire staff collectively resolves to make fun of the football team more, continue being better than the Forum in every conceivable way, and figure out exactly what “consulting” is.

– Resolutions by staff writers. Article compiled, edited, and introduced by Liat Kaplan CMC ‘17

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