The Golden Antlers Strongly Condemns Child Abuse, Why Hasn’t the TSL?

The Golden Antlers have received numerous complaints that we have erroneously abbreviated “The Student Life” to “The TSL,” which, of course, makes no sense. We take these mistakes seriously, and as soon as we return to campus, all offending writers will face public and draconian punishments such as enduring the Oldenborg dining experience. 

Since I was a wee lad, the SL has always served as a moral guiding light. They have taught me innumerable foundational truths such as phones are worse than the California wildfires, that love is stupid and no good at all, and that you’re just as well off doing a gram of coke than doing anything for the ‘gram, on top of so much more. I include all this preamble to clarify that I hold no ill will toward T Student Life. In fact, the entire Golden A team and I hold them in high regard. However, that’s why it is so important to call out TS Life when they stray from their righteous standards, and their failure to condemn child abuse may be the most extensive failing of all.

The G Antlers have a long-standing and well-documented anti-child abuse history. All new or prospective members are strapped up to a polygraph before an intense 8-hour interrogation into their views on child abuse to ensure ideological purity. Even though they’ve never publicly commented on the issue, I wanted to give my vaunted peers at the TBS the opportunity to clarify their position, but when I reached out, I was met with this disturbing response.

When I saw Th* St*d*nt L*f*’s response, I was bedridden with despair for weeks. Their lack of condemnation felt more like a ringing endorsement. Why would such a seemingly virtuous institution have such a dark side? I had to know more. 

After weeks of ignored communication attempts, I received one final message from them before being blocked and having my own number disconnected. In passing this final message to you, one of the tens of thousands of readers of The Gold Ants, I pass on my journey. I know not what The TS Student L Life plans or why they won’t simply condemn child abuse, but I do know we have a lot of investigating to do.