The Golden Antlers’ Tips for First Years: Claremont McKenna

Power and Privilege aren’t all you need to be successful at Claremont McKenna College– you also need our advice! Read on if you want to win!

1. Microfridge is all you need. You shouldn’t have brought anything else because now your room is full.
2. That being said, if your room is in North Quad, consider a Meatpacking freezer to compensate for the lack of AC. Make sure to hide it under your bed to avoid dorm charges. Don’t worry about blowing a fuse– the nuclear power plant in the Bauer basement prevents this sort of overload.
3. Dryers are often out of service and the spin cycle on the washers aren’t strong enough– consider investing in a drying rack for your second face instead.
4. Females: Ask your roommate if they’re bringing their own vibrator, or ask if they’re expecting to have a communal one for the suite. This can be a source of contention because you WILL need it. 
5. When you buy your mattress topper, get an extra. If you ever find yourself in a (heterosexual) CMC bro-child’s bed, try to stifle your surprise when you realize he sleeps around a mangled wad of loose, off-colored sheets on a bare-mattress, using only a foam roller as a pillow. You can only be a chill-cool gal for so long until you develop or worsen your scoliosis.
6. Don’t kiss your professor hello at your first ath dinner. Wait until you understand the professor’s love language and tailor your affection to their liking as the semester continues.
7. Adderall. 
8. PERMs and Deep State: if you send upwards of two PERMs, you risk being flagged by Chodosh himself and diverted to the You-Can’t-Have-It-All Watch List. Good little girls and boys let the system run freely as social evolution intended.
9. Don’t drink the cube water– it may look tempting, seeing all the bros with their metal straws, knelt down, suckling from Kravis’s oasis. But when a droplet makes contact with the tongue, metamorphoses into a CMC bro commences. Give yourself time before making this decision; there’s no turning back once the skin on your chest sheds an Epidermal layer and becomes intolerant to fabric after two hours. Before you know it, you’ve snapped, and you’re sitting in the Hub fountain, shirtless and alone.
10. There’s an app that’s just dubbed compilations of Deans yelling at students for pouring less than a standardized red solo cup shot. It drops new remixes before every TNC. Ask around for the name.
11. A great place to hang out and meet new people is the mystical haunted carousel outside of Roberts Pavilion. If you’re lucky, r enowned Claremont Men’s College alum Randy Kraft, “the Freeway Killer,” will join in on the fun! 
12. Find the biggest kid you can in Collins, throw your water on their pants, and mercilessly taunt them for peeing their pants so no one will fuck with OR your breakfast spot for the rest of your time in college.
13. Bring a surplus of 12-month calendars so you have enough to hurl at anyone who tries to show you their color-coded G-Cal that’s mainly just blocs labeled “class” and “free-time.”
14. Get off on the right foot by paying your due diligence to the Collins Penis Statue early-on. Rise with the sun and praise it at dawn each morning to attain eventual white-male-privilege-like-karma.
15. Carry an extra satchel of goods to pawn and/or barter for safe passage through the lawlessness of The Hub. Consider bringing your stock portfolio for extra DoucheBag clout. 
16. The Marian Miner Cook Athenaeum is a great place to gas yourself up. Remind yourself that you are a pompous intellectual by asking incoherent questions that will stump the speaker so you can win discourse, once and for all.
17. Thrust yourself into the public eye, constantly. Don’t stop, no matter how many times they beg you. A great way to do this is skateboarding poorly through North Quad at 2:30 PM when everyone’s getting out of class. If you’re not getting attention, you may as well not exist here!
18. Tell other 5Cs how much you love big pharma and consulting companies that contract out for concentration camps to solidify your school’s stereotyped reputation of “smart kids who would be useful smart if they had a soul.”
19. If you came here for the arts, don’t forget your Pierrot costume, you stupid sad clown.
20. Wear a suit to class so everyone knows you’re a dom bottom. 

You now have almost everything you need for the school year– all you’re missing is your submitted Golden Antlers application. Applications close September 26 at midnight. This is an exceptional professional opportunity for you to work your way up the career ladder– writing for The Golden Antlers is equivalent to having Deloitte, Goldman Sachs, Deutsche Bank, AND McKinsey on your resume! Make daddy proud, boy!