Full Name: Bert Waldermanstein, III Birthdate: 05/17/1993 *
*Non-Kenyan birth certificate attached
Percent Body Fat: 12% Muscle Mass: ∞ Regular Decision (Jan. 2) x
Composite SAT score (within 10% please): 1630 2429
Are you a woman? No, but I acknowledge Sandra Fluke’s right not to be a slut
Financial aid bracket (circle one): Peasant Serf Ragamuffin Scum Socialist N/A: Jewish
Intended Major (Circle One): Philosophy Politics Economics All of the Above
Do you identify as (circle one) White Anglo Saxon Protestant** Other (European)
** Only when I’m at Winston Churchill Society/RDS/KLI/Athanaeum/Tea/TNC/Keil’s Office Hours
How would you describe your political views? (Circle one)
Fiscally Conservative and Socially Liberal Fiscally Conservative and Socially Liberal
Other: Taxes are a social construct
If you could pick one Koch brother to be your beer pong partner, which one would it be and why?
David’s richer, right?
Kill, Bang, Marry (Please mark your choices in the appropriate blank):
Jackie Kennedy Young Ronald Reagan: Marry Nancy 60’s Ronald Reagan: Bang
Pamela Gann Ronald Reagan: Marry
List the members of the CMC Board of Trustees you have golfed with this week:
Special Extenuating Circumstances: Circumcised and Bar Mitzvahed
If your father does not have a Wikipedia page, please describe your special extenuating circumstances.
How many bitches did you slay last weekend? (round to the nearest hundred):
Seven brigades of Scrippsies (ROTC experience required in order to understand terminology)
Do you have a medical condition which requires you to take medication for ADHD (Adderall,
Concerta, Ritalin, etc.), with either a prescription from a doctor or access through a
neighbor/classmate/sketchy second cousin? (circle one): Yes No
Not as sweet as the Waldermanstein Center is going to be! (See Attached Artist’s Rendering)
1. Describe a circumstance in which you were confronted by a test of personal integrity, a
difficult moral decision, or an ethical dilemma, and how it failed to impact you as a person or
your ruthless pursuit of profit at all costs
Writing this application instead of my Pomona History final paper on Indian teak ships, because I hope that someone from CMC reads this and thinks I’m funny and hires me twenty years from now and pays me a lot of money, when really I should be writing my teak essay.
2. Please provide a sketch of the last beeramid/everclearamid you constructed.
3. Please use the blank space provided to give us a brief outline of your Freshman Class President campaign speech.
I. Wear Banana Suit
II. Reaganize like it’s 1986
4. Have you ever spoken to the people who clean your room? Describe the experience.
No. Juana and I have an unspoken agreement to have an unspoken relationship, a situation which fits well with the necessary class separations of our meritocracy. I’m sure if we ever did talk, she’d agree.
5. The Dean of Students Office DOS replaced the keg with two 30 racks, you are running out of
gelatin, the DJ refuses the play “Levels” by Avicii, and the midgets are no-shows. How would
you salvage Jell-O Wrestling TNC?
I’d hire seven underprivileged Rancho Cucamonga second graders to fill in for the gelatin as well as Daisy and Lacey from Tropical Lai to watch over them, thus increasing the Inland Empire’s non-professorial employment rate to .00079%. The ladies from Tropical Lai would then be requested to dress as Linnea Conrad Roberts and Marie-Josée Kravis. We would then proceed to the Kube’s reflecting pool, where the two could wrestle for a position in SIF [Student Investment Fund], simultaneously entertaining the student body and ensuring SIF could no longer be accused of excluding women.