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Full Name: Bert Waldermanstein, III  Birthdate: 05/17/1993 *

*Non-Kenyan birth certificate attached

Percent Body Fat: 12% Muscle Mass: ∞ Regular Decision (Jan. 2) x
Composite SAT score (within 10% please): 1630 2429

Are you a woman? No, but I acknowledge Sandra Fluke’s right not to be a slut

Financial aid bracket (circle one): Peasant Serf Ragamuffin Scum Socialist N/A: Jewish

Intended Major (Circle One): Philosophy    Politics    Economics    All of the Above

Do you identify as (circle one) White    Anglo     Saxon     Protestant**    Other (European)

** Only when I’m at Winston Churchill Society/RDS/KLI/Athanaeum/Tea/TNC/Keil’s Office Hours

How would you describe your political views? (Circle one)

Fiscally Conservative and Socially Liberal       Fiscally Conservative and Socially Liberal

Other: Taxes are a social construct

If you could pick one Koch brother to be your beer pong partner, which one would it be and why?

David’s richer, right?

Kill, Bang, Marry (Please mark your choices in the appropriate blank):

Jackie Kennedy Young Ronald Reagan: Marry         Nancy 60’s Ronald Reagan: Bang

Pamela Gann Ronald Reagan:  Marry


List the members of the CMC Board of Trustees you have golfed with this week:

Special Extenuating Circumstances: Circumcised and Bar Mitzvahed


If your father does not have a Wikipedia page, please describe your special extenuating circumstances. ALSO SEE:


How many bitches did you slay last weekend? (round to the nearest hundred):

Seven brigades of Scrippsies (ROTC experience required in order to understand terminology)


Do you have a medical condition which requires you to take medication for ADHD (Adderall,

Concerta, Ritalin, etc.), with either a prescription from a doctor or access through a

neighbor/classmate/sketchy second cousin? (circle one): Yes No

Screen Shot 2013-05-12 at 9.29.18 PMOn a scale of 10 to 11, what do you think of the Kravis Center? It’s fucking sweet, right? ______


Not as sweet as the Waldermanstein Center is going to be! (See Attached Artist’s Rendering)





Essay Section

1. Describe a circumstance in which you were confronted by a test of personal integrity, a

difficult moral decision, or an ethical dilemma, and how it failed to impact you as a person or

your ruthless pursuit of profit at all costs

Writing this application instead of my Pomona History final paper on Indian teak ships, because I hope that someone from CMC reads this and thinks I’m funny and hires me twenty years from now and pays me a lot of money, when really I should be writing my teak essay.

2. Please provide a sketch of the last beeramid/everclearamid you constructed.

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3. Please use the blank space provided to give us a brief outline of your Freshman Class President campaign speech.

I. Wear Banana Suit

II. Reaganize like it’s 1986


4. Have you ever spoken to the people who clean your room? Describe the experience.

No. Juana and I have an unspoken agreement to have an unspoken relationship, a situation which fits well with the necessary class separations of our meritocracy. I’m sure if we ever did talk, she’d agree.


5. The Dean of Students Office DOS replaced the keg with two 30 racks, you are running out of

gelatin, the DJ refuses the play “Levels” by Avicii, and the midgets are no-shows. How would

you salvage Jell-O Wrestling TNC?

I’d hire seven underprivileged Rancho Cucamonga second graders to fill in for the gelatin as well as Daisy and Lacey from Tropical Lai to watch over them, thus increasing the Inland Empire’s non-professorial employment rate to .00079%. The ladies from Tropical Lai would then be requested to dress as Linnea Conrad Roberts and Marie-Josée Kravis. We would then proceed to the Kube’s reflecting pool, where the two could wrestle for a position in SIF [Student Investment Fund], simultaneously entertaining the student body and ensuring SIF could no longer be accused of excluding women.





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