Scripps Womyn’s College of Fucking the Patriarchy

Name: Gretchen Allen                        Birthdate: 2/5/92       Diva Lunette Cup’s Name: Selene


Select one: [ ] Vegetarian [ ] Vegan [ ] Pescatarian [X] Soulless Meat-Eating Savage [except red meat]


Major you plan on pursuing:                                             Please check all that apply:

[ ] Herstory                                                                            [ ] I identify as a lesbian

[ ] Art Herstory                                                                    [ ] I identify as queer

[ ] Cliterature                                                                        [ ] I identify as bisexual

[ ] Queer Theory                                                                  [ ] I identify as bicurious

[ ] Stealing CMCers’ Beer Theory                               [X] I identify as bicurious after three

[ ] Core                                                                                      shots and two beers and a handsome

[X] Art C*ntservation                                                        woman with a lip ring tells me I’m



Have you ever been arrested, put on academic probation, or let your hair grow longer than 6 inches? If ‘yes’ to any of the above, please explain: N/A

On which part of your body does this hair grow?: Hair is a social construct.


How much time per week (in hours) do you spend in ecofriendly organic single origin fair trade free expression critical feminist gluten free overpriced coffee shops?: My tent is in the corner under the vagina paintings.

Do you order your chai with yak or pecan milk?: I do not support the forcible milking of either animal or nut.


How many hand-crafted porcelain sinks will you accept in your room at minimum?:

I was told there would be no math.


How much quirkier are you than Zoe Deschanel?: I’m approaching Luna Lovegood levels of quirky. Bat your falsies at my plant-based accessories and my Regina Spektor facial tattoo, “Zooey”.


Have you sacrificed a man to the goddess(es) in the past year? If so, were you praying to Hera, Athena, Artemis, or all of the above?: Yes (x3), Kali Ma


Would you describe yourself as a Catherine, Audre, Simone, or Gloria? Elaborate: I’m more of a Sylvia, gas-powered ovens have always been a source of inspiration for me.


Please point out at least four examples of phallic imagery present in this application

Note 3 phalluses present in SWCFP arches logo, also the word “pen”.

Essay Questions:

Please respond to these essay questions using only a BIC Cristal For Her Ball PEn in 1.0 mm black or pink.


1. The Scripps College motto is “Incipit Vita Nova”, or “Here Beginneth the New Life”. Problematize.

This is obviously an insidious institutionalization of the “duty” of the female to give birth. It should instead read “Here Beginneth an Abiding Fear of Squirrels”.


2. From what you have learned about feminism, how has it changed the way you view and treat other women? for example, has it made you less prone to petty competition with girls like those who attend CMC, who are, like, objectively less pretty than Scripps girls?

All womyn are perfect vessels of intelligence and inner beauty. Except the ones who are like, actually stupid ho-bags.


3. If you could be a fruit bearing tree on Scripps’ campus, which would you be and which courtyard would you grace?

I would be a pomegranate tree that graces the President’s private garden. I would hang over the wall but not so far that anyone could reach my fruit, because the inner mysteries of womynhood are best appreciated from a tantalizing distance, and also I’m a bit of an jerk.


4. Describe the importance of women’s colleges in developing a community of female scholarship and empowering women to lead in public and private life. Please respond to this essay prompt from the perspective of your favorite Georgia O’Keefe painting.

Female empowerment through scholarship in a womyn’s college environment is necessary because the world, like “Series 1 White and Blue Flower Shapes”, features assholes in prominent positions.


5. What is your favorite aspect of Foucauldian discourse analysis? Please do not include any terms recognized by Microsoft Word.

I shall respond in the form of two Haiku:


Sterile paradox

Repressive hypothesis

Endless mill of speech


Fuck you Noam Chomsky

Really, fuck you Noam Chomsky

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.



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  1. “Female empowerment through scholarship in a womyn’s college environment is necessary because the world, like “Series 1 White and Blue Flower Shapes”, features assholes in prominent positions.”

    oh my god dying

  2. Keeping in a tradition of Scripps seniors tattooing memories of their college experiences in non-traditional places, I want to get “Here Begins and Abiding Fear of Squirrels” tattooed in latin on my eyeball


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