The Honnold-Mudd Library recently released a statement saying that their anaconda literally cannot handle anymore stupid ass questions. This announcement was in response to a Pomona student asking a services desk member, “Do you have a copy of Americanah here?”
The library released a list of FAQ, in order to better inform students on library procedures.
1. Which is the Honnold side and which is the Mudd side?
ANSWER: The one with the giant ass sign that says Honnold is the Honnold side, and the one with the giant ass sign that says Mudd, is the Mudd side.
2. How do you check out a book?
ANSWER: You perform a séance and a fiver hour interpretive dance.
3. How do you look up a book?
ANSWER: You can’t, you must go shelf by shelf until you find the one you’re looking for.
4. Is this where I look up a book?
ANSWER: No. You do it at the Hub.
5. Will you look up a book for me?
ANSWER: Sure! Would you like me to chew your food while I’m at it?
6. How do I print?
ANSWER: You go to the Gutenberg printing press located in Special Collections.
7. What time does the café close?
ANSWER: One second, let me go downstairs and ask the café staff.
8. Does the café serve gluten free cookies?
ANSWER: Yes, I baked them myself.
9. Why don’t you have this __________ book?
ANSWER: Because we knew how much of an inconvenience it would cause your “research”.
10. How do I get out of here?
ANSWER: You must have been dropped when you were a baby.
The following actionswill be answered with a staple to the face.
- Blaming the library for your lack of time management. For example:
- “I have to be in class in 5 minutes and your stupid printer isn’t working! You’re going to make me late.”
- Complaining about the organization of the library.
- “This library is badly organized.”
- I have a book on hold. When what you really mean is, “I ordered a book through Link+ or ILL.”
- Mishandling library technology
- “Are these giant newspaper displays touch screen?”
- Being a Claremont High Student
- “Ugh, SATs amirite?” & “Prom is so soon!”
- Having sex in the stacks.
– Victor Lopez CMC ’17 with comedic support from Clancy Tripp CMC ’15