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The Mainstream Media is Hiding the REAL Reasons Why Tiedens Quit

 

Earlier this week, Lara Tiedens, the President of Scripps College and Slayer of Spring Break, announced that she would be resigning in April of 2021. While the mainstream “news” has parroted back the same b.s. that was included in the official Scripps release, the Golden Antlers are not afraid of the truth. We will not bow down to the terra cotta trash can overlords at Scripps, and we certainly will not listen to anything reported on by phony CNN, MSNBC, or TSL. We have a responsibility to tell you the cold, hard, throbbing facts, so here is a list of all of the REAL reasons why Tiedens is leaving.

  • She isn’t unique for working remotely from San Francisco anymore
  • To pursue a career as Cruella De Vil
  • Making Scripps students cry over Zoom wasn’t as fulfilling as in person
  • The Sodexo contract was her final horcrux
  • She was inspired by Amy Coney Barrett and now hates the idea of women receiving an education
  • COVID-19 pay cuts left her with a salary of only half a million :/
  • She was jealous of the dean’s revolving door
  • Southern California is too cold
  • She is allergic to feta cheese and is retraumatized every time she sees Scripps’ Greek mascot, Athena
  • She got into Barnard
  • She couldn’t afford Claremont rent after we took away the President’s house during the housing crisis that she definitely did not cause
  • There aren’t any emotional support animals on campus for her to feast upon
  • She wanted her own Spring Break
  • She finally finished her core requirements after 4 years

Don’t let the sheeple tell you otherwise! And no matter what, remember to vote for the Golden Antlers for Scripps President. We’re running on a platform of nationalizing our resources like the Cube water, pardoning Owen Wilson, and ending the track team.

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