Trying to get into that overfilled CS5 which already has 100+ PERMs? Fear not, the Golden Antlers has prepared a list of sure-fire strategies for pushing your PERM request to the top, especially for those persnickety professors who say “sorry, the space can’t physically fit you” or “you’ve failed every prerequisite to my class.” Here they are:
Be courteous and complimentary
This is a given. You have a limited number of characters so it is imperative that you come across as a model student who will be a positive addition to their class. Call them “Professor” instead of “The hot french prof my friend told me about”. Common sense stuff really.
Explain your deep passion for the course
Tell them about how you spent all of last summer researching a very similar topic to the course despite the fact that you did nothing of the sorts and you spent most of last summer trying to be inconspicuous in a public park while you got high. If it seems too far fetched, send them a picture of you photoshopped into a stock photo of people wearing lab coats. If all else fails, tell them that normal porn doesn’t cut it anymore for you and that you only use the professor’s textbook that you bought for $350.
Omit the fact that this is a GE you need in the second semester of senior year
This is one that most people mess up. If you alert them to the fact that you neglected to take psychology till the second half of your senior year, they might catch on to the fact that you don’t give a shit about the course and that the only benefit you might derive from it is the “intellectual superiority” in all debates that taking Psych 30 gives you.
Send them a long rambling email while drunk
Break out the Fireball because this is a surefire way to get a PERM approved for any class. After getting drunk enough to suppress the existential pain you suffer through on a daily basis, open up both your laptop and your heart. Letting the prof know your life story will allow them to empathize with you and accept your PERM. Nothing is off the table. Tell them how you still haven’t gotten over that your boyfriend/girlfriend from sophomore year that cheated on you. Explain your daddy issues and how Hiram Chodosh is a perfect replacement for your distant biological father. This email should be longer than any essay you would write for this class proving you’re a hard worker who works well under difficult situations, such as being wasted and covered in crumbs from snacks from the Hub.
Offer a reasonable bribe
We’re clearly not talking first born child here, but second born isn’t off the table. Especially if this is an econ class, you need to adhere to the principle of fair trade. Try Venmo’ing them an amount that is equal to the amount you think they value the time it takes to read your barely coherent essays you haphazardly throw together in one night. Show up to their house unannounced and cut their lawn. Common courtesy stuff really. Maybe offer to babysit their kids. This will come in handy later.
Call their phone late at night with vague threats
This one is crucial. Buy a burner phone and find the professor’s personal number off the deep web. Call them incessantly saying they need “to do the right thing or else”. Don’t use your name because then the professor has some stupid thing called “evidence” which would be “admissible in a court of law”. Who knew people cared about stuff like that? Regardless, make sure all the calls are between midnight and 4AM, primetime for all things morally ambiguous.
Attend the first class
This one is a more advanced concept and not for the faint of heart. Go to the first class and show the professor that you truly want to be in the class. Introduce yourself before class starts and make a good impression. Hopefully they don’t let the call at 3:43 AM last night negatively affect your professor-student relationship. Ask pertinent questions and show that you have a love for learning. This step is optional. If you do not have the time, are too lazy, or are too hungover from yet again drinking on a weekday, don’t bother with this step.
Kidnap their children and hold them hostage in Oldenborg
I cannot express how many times this method has got me successfully PERMed into a class. While the professor is on his Tuesday night date night with their significant other in a last ditch effort to save their marriage, kidnap their children. Take them to Oldenborg so they can talk in some gibberish language while they eat painfully dry chicken. Even if they find out where you are holding their children, it’s not like they’ll know where to go to find it . Raising the stakes like this incentivizes (econ theory once again) the professor to accept your PERM in exchange for the safe release of his children. It will put you in their good books too because, think about it, you will be the person who freed their children from a kidnapping (try to distance yourself from the fact that you committed the kidnapping). If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will.
We hope this guide has been helpful and informative. Let us know in the comment section if you’re PERM got accepted using these simple tips and tricks. Also, please reserve Oldernborg well in advance if you are going to use it for a kidnapping. There was an awkward situation last year where two sets of children were there at the same time.
Expert Advice by Cooper Pryde CMC ’21, this is his debut.