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The Right to Bare Arms: CMC Announces Controversial Bro-Tank Ban

 

Prompted by recent requests from the CMC Literature and Keck Science Chemistry departments, the student body received a notification via email that “tank-tops and other sleeveless cotton apparel” would no longer be advised for academic settings. When asked for further comment, Dean Spellwoman articulated, “the requests were made for a few reasons: tank-tops are too informal for a distinctly top-tier liberal arts college.  Additionally, exposed arms are a health hazard in many science labs.” She went on to add, “also, it’s 50 fucking degrees outside.”

bears bearing arms: also banned from campus.
bears bearing arms: also banned from campus.

This decision sparked outrage among students. Some response has been measured, like that of Jonathan Briskman ’14 who claims to be a proponent of “responsible gun-showing.” Briskman asserted, “I just think they should enforce the [dress code] rules that are already in place rather than try to impose new ones on regular, rule abiding, ripped as hell guys like me who wear them in appropriate circumstances.”

Other responses have been more enraged, like those of the National Tank Association. “This is a matter of Second Amendment freedoms!” shouts one protester, Kyle Weiss, while holding up a sign reading “I HAVE THE RIGHT TO BARE ARMS.”

The Golden Antlers contacted Professor James Morrison, Literature Department Head, for his opinion on the controversial tank prohibition.  Morrison replied, “I think you may be confused as to the difference between ‘bear’ and ‘bare’” and suggested that readers consult “the goddamn dictionary” or “anyone with a third grade education” for additional information.

In light of this extremely polarizing issue, this Golden Antlers reporter consulted Constitutional Law professor George Thomas  to understand the Bill of Right’s implications for the tank ban. Professor Thomas responded via email, “A reading of the Second Amendment that implies every American citizen has the right to expose their biceps is an entirely fallacious reading of ‘the right to bear arms’.”

When asked if he ever thought a case involving tank-tops would ever make it to the Supreme Court, he replied, “I must ask that you stop emailing me, Sam.”

Even so, I just applied for a concealed weapons permit, if you know what I mean.

– Sam Pitcavage ’15 CMC

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