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The Worm Trolley Problem

 

Imagine you are in a trolley that is zooming along a track. Oh no! Ahead you see hundreds of worms squirming on the track, and you are mere seconds away from squooshing all of them. But wait! There is a second track, and there is a lever in your trolley. You can pull the lever and switch tracks! On the second track there is only one worm. However, this worm is a Trolli™️ Gummi Worm, also known as the premier gummy worm brand known to man or worm. Do you pull the lever? This brutal moral conundrum is known as the Trolli Problem.

On the one hand, if you do not pull the lever, your trolley car will inevitably end the squirmy little lives of hundreds of fuckable little worms. Also, because you “did not do anything” by not touching the lever, their deaths “will not be your fault.” This would be an incredibly sad course of action seeing as you feel an absolutely insane boner coming on (pun intended) and their being around would really be helpful. Plus the conscience thing I guess but the jury’s out anyways.

On the other hand, you can pull the lever and spare the worms’ lives. However, this would mean running over a Trolli™️ gummi worm, and therefore the Trolli™️ gummi worm would never grace the taste buds of any person looking for a light, but sweet, snack, equally succulent and juicy as it is sour, and made with natural flavors*! This is, as we all know, a category 3 war crime (the worst one), and you can only have so many of those on your record. So what to do?

Ah, but what is this? As the trolley hurtles toward the fork, you see a third track! You’d missed it before because you were too far up your own ass trying to solve history’s most pretentious field’s most pretentious question. Tied to this track are several humans, all of whom are related to you. Perfect. You pull the lever in the direction of that track, and after everyone gets squeeshed ( :// ), you pull the brake lever and trot on back to the worms and the Trolli™. Time for a well-earned bonk and snack.

*unconfirmed

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