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The Golden Antlers’ Tips for First Years: Pitzer Edition

 

Back so soon? Lusting for more content? A helpless Pitzer first-year in desperate need of guidance? If you consider any of the proceeding statements to be true about yourself, read on! We are extremely knowledgeable and we’re here to help, and today, we’re extending a hand to Pitzer first-years. #Gratitude

  1. Start all new nondenominational cults before mid-October. Any other time after that and all students will be occupied by other emerging spiritual pathways.
  2. If you didn’t pack your recorder from fourth-grade music class, ask your parents to FedEx that bad boy over. Then post to Pitzer College Class of 2023 and poll your classmates to see if anyone is bringing a set of maracas, a tambourine, or a ukulele to start a Hiatus Coyote or Neutral Milk Hotel cover band.
  3. Haifa? I barely know her! (Just don’t talk about it, okay?)
  4. Don’t share your joints with the chickens. You WILL get salmonella.
  5. When your Professor assigns homework in a coloring book but you want to sharpen up your skills first, the Hive at Pomona has ample arts and crafts supplies for you to practice with for free (included with your $73,450.00 tuition).
  6. If you’re feeling a lack of spiritual connection, consider joining one of the local secular-congregations where the holy sacrament is weed! Yeah, the location changes every week and is usually hidden behind a dumpster and a series of buzz-in doors, but who said faith was ever easy?
  7. Take advantage of your parents’ Amazon Prime account for essential vibrators and sex equipment. That way you can get all the benefits of same-day delivery without you being the one to directly support a capitalistic company that consistently violates human rights.
  8. The student senate is constantly looking for new members to fill their 100 vacant seats. If you’re looking to get drunk with power without actually having to do anything, apply! 
  9. Instead of asking someone out on a date, write them a collection of cryptic, yet meaningful poems in which you metaphorically compare them to the delicacy of a flower petal. 
  10. The food lines at McConnell may seem daunting at first glance, but take a second and breathe. You’ll then realize you can just hop in anywhere in the large cluster of people.
  11. Painting your OA leader’s Mead Suite bathroom with period blood is an annual tradition at Pitzer.
  12. Pitzer has some of the best film production classes in the country. Professors really emphasize creativity in student films. But if you aren’t making films about your genitalia, you’re probably not going to get an A.
  13. If you’re into straight men, don’t bother decorating your dorm room—you’ll be sleeping in your toxic boyfriend’s Mead double every night anyway. Hang on to that terrible relationship as long as you possibly can. It’s the only source of stability you’ve got! 
  14. The Shakedown only opens on full moons for seven minutes. Hop in line, partner!
  15. Mead parties are super fun, especially when you show up with your 31 closest friends. Get everybody to line up around the walls, count down from three, and puke in unison! It’s totally cool though because it’s your roommate’s friend from high school’s cousin’s suite.
  16. If you don’t fuck three people from your OA, you did the whole trip wrong. Extra points if they ask “who’s your OA-by?” in bed.

First year jitters still got you down? Try a CBD joint and apply to write for The Golden Antlers. It’s the best decision that you, personally, will ever make.

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