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The Golden Antlers’ Tips for First-Years: Pomona Edition

 

Anyways, here’s our tips for Pomona College first-years:

  1. Do you have anxiety about Pomona being “not prestigious enough” compared to your friends at Harvard, Princeton, Stanford, or Yale? Well, stress no more, because you’re right!
  2. Psst! Here’s a sneaky one for ya: Instead of telling your roommate to elbow you in the ribs, just lie and tell your PE coach that you have brain cramps after contemplating The Allegory of the Cave for too long.
  3. You are legally obligated to take a shot every time you mention your favorite podcast, but be careful– don’t let campus security catch you!
  4. If you need special accommodations for housing, write these down carefully on a half-sheet of paper, fold it up, put it in one of the many empty Smirnoff Ice bottles your annoying roommate will inevitably use for room decor, and shove it up your ass— you still have a better chance of getting a response than sending Frankie B. an email.
  5. Cecil, our mascot, little known fourth member of the Blue Man Group ©, has fuckboy abs now and thinks he’s hot shit, so be prepared to receive some spontaneous “u up?” texts at 3 am throughout the course of the semester but then have him pretend not to see you when he’s getting his protein-loaded grain bowl at Frary.
  6. Start pawning other people’s misplaced textbooks to Amazon so you can afford to buy your own. General Chemistry and Intro to Economics are the cash cows. 
  7. Half the first years don’t have AC, and knowing your luck, you’re probably one of these unfortunate fuckers. Just make sure you’re hydrating enough and getting those electrolytes. If it helps, you’ll be sleeping in a puddle of your own sweat and tears every night, so just take a little sip every few hours or so and you’ll get those salty bois in your system in no time. 
  8. Oops, Sponcest! Get ready to protect your mental state after your entire sponsor group fucks each other and then falls apart catastrophically.  Make sure you’ve scheduled your Monsour appointment well ahead of time (we recommend 3-5 years) for this inevitability. 
  9. It’s your first year of college, which means you’re getting involved in activism and fighting for social justice issues! You’re totally down with the gays and anti-racism and stuff. You listen to Hayley Kiyoko all the time. But it’s ok if you go to Coachella just once, right? Guys? Right? Guys?1!??
  10. Think it’s ok to eat alone in Frank? Think again, you pathetic, friendless little bitch. If you’re not in a group of 30 of your closest friends at all times (or at least 12 of your spibs), everyone will assume you have no friends at all. Good luck! 
  11. Be sure to post a picture of every single Marston sunset on your instagram story! Your non-Pomona friends don’t have access to the sky so they’ll be really appreciative of your social-media savviness. 
  12. Everyone thinks you’re REALLY cool when your entire sponsor group migrates together to some random Mead party at 0.2 MPH screaming about how drunk you are. Stop by that CMC rager—just do it! You’re CRAZY!
  13. Too fucking bad, loser. Have fun listening to Cardi B on repeat for the 6-hour daily softball practices!
  14. Forget everything high school taught you about social climbing. The only requirement for popularity here is an entirely fabricated hyper-woke online persona. 
  15. Stop sending Claremont Crushes to yourself. Nobody wants to go to your consulting event. 
  16. MWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! What’s that sound? That’s the 5AM train, motherfucker! You did it!

If you still don’t feel prepared to take on college, consider applying to write with us, The Golden Antlers, if you need more social clout which you probably do. You just can’t have enough, you pesky runt!

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