Much to the chagrin of hipsters everywhere, the Claremont thrift shop market has exploded in the last few weeks. This Thursday’s TNC, themed “Thrift Shop,” has only furthered this dangerous trend. As more and more students go for the deals, scabies infections are spreading throughout the Claremont Colleges. For the uninformed, scabies are eight-legged mites that inhabit old clothing and burrow into your skin to cause intense itching and blisters. They are extremely painful to remove. Scabies are bad, but the thrif-scal cliff is much worse!
As any decent CMC Discount Economics major can tell you, we are playing a high stakes game with the thrift shop market. As the demand for secondhand clothing items like fedoras, animal pelt jackets and used underwear continues to climb, prices will only continue to skyrocket. Local homeless man Nick Weiss exclaimed, “I can’t even afford a good pair of child-sized skinny jeans anymore!”
In an unexpected turn of events, the Montclair Plaza Mall has become the new low-income destination as empty stores are forcing thrift store merchants to fire employees, throw clothing on random and somewhat unorganized racks, price items with different color tags (blue is half off!) and play an endless loop of Goo Goo Dolls songs.
Additionally, thanks to Macklemore, thrift shops have now gone “mainstream.” Hipsters everywhere are taking notice and nonchalantly flocking to malls across the Inland Empire in a reverse migration. With their CD players playing music “we don’t even know about yet,” their beards and their Instagram-ready iPhones, the hipster world is really making their mark on the mall scene. In between tweeting about food trucks and using Myspace ironically, local hipster Liza Farr said, “I mean, it’s not as chill as Portland, but the mall’s pretty dank. ” When asked about her unique style, Farr continued, “I like to rock a combo of Jim Nauls Chic and Derelicte with a little bit of ’90s nostalgia.”
CMC, I know that with scabies, the economic meltdown and the existence of hipsters, things are bad right now, but we still have a lot to be thankful for. Happy Thanksgiving and enjoy your Black Friday thrift shopping! After all, there is no better way to show how thankful you are than to beat the shit out of someone to get a new (or slightly used) pair of crocs!
– Ender Wiggin ’15 CMC
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