1. Not mention politics at the dinner table
Since the beginning of time, few things have been more ill advised than spurring aunt Cheryl into telling the whole family how a border wall will somehow resurrect Ronald Reagan. Instead, try discussing less contentious topics like local sports, the weather, and how thanksgiving is in essence celebrating genocide. Save the heavy stuff for another time.
2. Get brunch with your friends from high school
You guys have been talking about grabbing a bite to eat since summer and the time has finally come for you to all get together and all come to a non-verbal agreement that Kevin got kinda chubby without saying it out loud because everyone knows Kevin can, and will cry in the middle of the diner. Alas, you all got really drunk and were far too hungover to actually go to brunch. It’s okay though because 9 out of 10 dentists agree that binge drinking is a healthy practice. This message brought to you by the Anheuser-Busch Brewing Corporation.
It’s absurd that we’re required to do work during thanksgiving. This isn’t what the Founding Fathers would have wanted. Article 2 of the Constitution clearly states that this is “complete and utter bullshit”. You said you were going to do it, in order to keep the semblance of being employable with a 2.5 GPA, but Wells Fargo probably won’t care too much if you have a 2.4. You could also just wait till Christmas, pawn all your gifts, and bribe your professor with the money. Problem solved.
4. Attempt to connect with your emotionally distant father
Movies make it seem so easy. You grab the ol’ pigskin, throw it around for a little bit, and somehow gain the respect of your father. Unfortunately you know that it isn’t quite that simple and that any legitimate attempt would take a lot of work and honesty who’s in the mood for that. Exchange grunts while accidentally walking in front of him while he’s watching the “big game” that he’s using as an excuse to not talk to any of the family. Repeat this until you yourself become the distant parent to your children and the vicious cycle continues.
5. Learn how to crank that Soulja boy
You’re the laughing stock of every party. Everytime, without fail, you’ll be chilling, maybe chatting up that cute person from your psych class, and then boom, crank that by Soulja boy comes on. It should be simple as it’s a combination of cranking and supermanning yet you’ve never mastered it. Your inability to do so has led to constant ridicule and more than one emotional breakdown. It would probably only take 20 minutes to learn but you’re too busy getting drunk starting at noon because apparently that’s acceptable at Thanksgiving.
6. Getting the unidentifiable green stain out of your classy clothes from Monte Carlo
It was weird enough that you probably walked around looking like you had a special night with the Hulk at Monte Carlo. It’s even worse that you wore it again to the Athenaeum without washing it. Multiple websites online said that it would be a detriment to your job interview on Wednesday but honestly it’s probably a great conversation starter so what’s the harm done by not washing it?
7. (Freshman only) Break up with your high school significant other
This one is so obvious. You somehow managed to screw this one up over fall break. How you did that is beyond me because the main reason that holiday exists is for freshman to dump their significant other who now goes to Purdue. Despite them promising that they “stayed 100% faithful” over these past 3 months, it needs to end before your roommate walks in on you naked while you’re Facetiming them.
8. Come to terms with your self destructive nature
We’re not saying that you should do anything to rectify the situation, but you should at least recognize the painfully obvious truth. The toxic combination of your lack of exercise, ludicrous sleep schedule, and regularly throwing up on green beach has made it apparent to the few people who still care about you that you need some introspection and self-examination. Be sure to do the exact opposite and see if you can out drink your cousin at thanksgiving.
9. Formally apologize to Harvey Mudd College for spray painting their dorms
The fact that it was toga party is no excuse for the fact that you spray painted “suck my ass science dweebs” on 3 dorms. While incredibly funny, it is not conduct appropriate for a collegiate setting. Also they fully know you did it because you signed each one with your name. An apology might stop the school from pressing charges but you would never do that because who would give into the demands of a school full of total dweebs?
10. Educate, agitate, and organize the proletariat
You’ve been saying all semester that over thanksgiving you were going to lead a communist revolution. You went on and on about it during lunch how the surplus value created by workers is being stolen by corporations and in order to combat this you were going to educate the public about Marxism, agitate them by pointing out how their interests were being trampled on, and organize them into a militant force. Unfortunately all you did was eat an unholy amount of turkey and agree with everyone that in fact you have grown so much despite the fact you stopped growing in sophomore year of high school.
Don’t worry though. I’m sure you’ll accomplish all of these things over winter break. Until then, gobble gobble and don’t forget to feel guilty for celebrating this heinous holiday.