As older students who have been through that nerve-wracking time we like to call Orientation, we remember what it’s like. You’re on day one of your orientation adventure, you don’t really know anyone yet, and you’re too shy to bring up your life-threatening peanut allergy until you’re in the late stages of anaphylactic shock and blacking out on the ground. Yikes! Nothing kills that College-Is-A-Fresh-Start Vibe like having your throat close up and suffocating before your group has even played the Name Game! Make sure that if you have a severe, deathly allergy you don’t try to “suck it up” to look cool for your new friends.
Talk about a slip up! Make sure that when you’re playing those cheesy yet all-too-fun get-to-know-you games with your orientation group you don’t accidentally divulge information that could leave you financially vulnerable. Whether you’re choosing an adjective to describe yourself that begins with the same letter as your name or memorizing the names of the people in your group, don’t forget to not announce your social security number, bank account number, or pin number to your fellow new students.
We’ve all been there, you’re having your first real, intellectual college conversation around the campfire and your gut instinct is to bring up that you’re pro-Hamas. It’s a classic conundrum, but no matter how much your social instincts tell you to go on a rant about infidels, try to rein it in. As we always say, nothing spoils S’mores like defending terrorists!
Zoinkies, don’t be the over-packer on your backpacking trip! Trust us, as upperclassmen who’ve been in your shoes we’ve all, at one time or another, seriously considered bringing A – M chronicles of our favorite encyclopedias with us on a hiking trip. Resist the urge! Try picking a few of your favorite, lighter volumes (we recommend ‘Z’ or ‘X’), save the chunkier periodicals for Dry Week!
We get it, it’s easy to get caught up in trading high school stories and anecdotes from the past, but don’t make the mistake of revealing that your nickname back in those days was Fat Steve the Bitch. It’s fun to make new friends and enjoy each other’s company, but try not to remind your new companions that back in high school no one fucking liked you, like no one, at all.
Do not, under any circumstances, rap the song “Real N*gga Role Call” by Lil Jon featuring Ice Cube. It’s a dilemma many first year students are faced with, but trust us, rapping the entirety of a song that uses the N-word over 150 times is sure to ruffle a few feathers. Our trusty upperclassmen recommend easing into it with an Eminem classic before passing it off to whoever brought an acoustic guitar. Try your very hardest not to spit the verse to Lil Jon’s “Real N*gga Role Call” if you know what’s good for you.
As the ever-lovable Scooby Doo might say, “ruh-roh!” Nothing says, “I’m a fucking peasant” like bringing the wrong wine pairing to your orientation adventure trip. In order to show up prepared, make sure to consult with your orientation leader to ascertain whether the meals provided will be light and fishy (a delicate Pinot Grigio will do) or a touch sweet and spicy (the optimal meal for a slightly sweet Riesling).
Trust us when we say that we’ve all been faced with similar temptations. After all, what better way to tell the world “I’m a college student!” than to jump right into the unique petri dish of STI’s with your orientation leader? We get it, bumping uglies with an authority figure (albeit, an authority figure you was hammered by the time the first aid session covered bee stings) sends new students swooning unlike anything else. Still, we can’t stress enough that sleeping with your orientation leader during orientation is an ‘oopsie!’ you might want to avoid. Save that shit ‘til 6:01 and you can at least get a free pack of beer out of it.
– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15