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Tour de Pants: A Race To The Bottom

So many hills to climb, so many butts to grab. #bicycleproblems

In an email sent out to students at approximately 9:35 PM Dean Mary Spellwoman stated unequivocally that the actions of a group of local high school hooded hoodlums were unacceptable.

The email is reproduced here:

This is an advisory for The Claremont College Community.

Campus Safety has received reports of a group of 4 to 5 high school aged juveniles who have been riding bicycles around the campus community making inappropriate comments, and on at least two occasions have grabbed pedestrians buttocks.

The subjects are described as wearing dark clothing and hooded sweatshirts.

Campus Safety has also received reports of a group of 350-400 college-aged males who have been walking around campus on Saturday nights making inappropriate comments, and on at least 25 occasions “grabbing female pedestrians’ buttocks.”

Incorrigible hooligans, every one of 'em
Incorrigible hooligans, every one of ’em

Student reactions have been varied. “This is really alarming,” says Jonathan Briskman ’14, “I really thought we were living in a bubble.” Another view comes from Jessica, a freshman– pardon me– first year, at Scripps: “Where has this been happening and why hasn’t my butt been grabbed?”

Students are already speculating about the lasting effects this event will have on their community.  Will the Vicious Cyclers continue? Future CMC students have already taken on chauvinistic roles in preparation for their hopeful Early Derision acceptances. The incident is even further feared to be inspiration for older cyclists to perform copy-cat actions, leading to certain pedalphilia.

Concerned bystander and self-proclaimed punster Ben Turner ’16 worried, “The group does not seem to tire of the shenanigans they perform”  He explained, “I don’t know if this community can handle another attack.  It seemed the assailants were geared towards a simple disruption of the peace, but perhaps I spoke too soon!”

One Pitzer student commented from both a gender studies and biker chick perspective saying, “Their actions ring of sexual assault and they even called their victims who did not appreciate the squeezes ‘bykes'”

“Surprisingly, the demand for rental bikes from the campus bike shop has increased among freshman males,” says Sam Pitcavage ’15, an employee of the shop.  Alternately, local Claremont Village bike shop owner Lance Needle was quoted as saying he was head over wheels with frustrating and that it was far from a dope situation.

So many hills to climb, so many butts to grab.  #bicycleproblems
So many hills to climb, so many butts to grab. #bicycleproblems

The incident may have been inspired by the naked bicycle riding tradition, that yearly combines the frivolity of nudity and the jollity of dude-ity. Or, as the Pitzer organizer of the yearly ride calls it, “That sense of unbridled freedom that only comes with the possibility of accidentally neutering yourself with a bike seat and/or bike wheels.”

When asked for comment, Dean Spellwoman offered “This may not be relevant, and I feel like I’ve definitely said this before, but you should lock your bikes or they’ll get stolen.” On behalf of The Golden Antlers, gee, thanks for that gem, Dean.

All in all, we can only hope this doesn’t set in motion a chain of events and we can all put this behind us.

– Ben Turner ’16, Sam Pitcavage ’15, Clancy Tripp ’15


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