Tour Guide Presents Best Campus Spots to Curl Up in Fetal Position, Cry

     

    After beginning his Tuesday afternoon tour by telling a generic joke about walking backwards and artfully skirting around questions on parties, drugs, and alcohol from parents by coughing really loudly and pretending he couldn’t hear them, third-year Pomona tour guide Jack Rodríguez cheerfully jumped right in by showing prospective students his favorite campus spots to curl up in the fetal position and cry:

            “So, this is Marston Quad. Fun fact (!),  they actually filmed the College scenes of Gilmore Girls here.

    While perhaps not an ideal place to collapse to the ground and break down in tears since it’s fairly public, during the fall months the grass is typically covered with a nice layer of brightly-colored leaves, which provides a convenient cushion for you as you rock back and forth in despair. Alternatively, the leaves can also be used to dry your tears, since here at Pomona we are a liberal arts school and things are very much tailored to suit your own interests and needs.

            Now, right up here is the Honnold Mudd library.

    Pomona itself might be small, but we have access to the third largest library in California, right after Stanford and USC. This size makes Honnold Mudd an ideal library to find some secluded corner or even your own private room (!) to fall to your knees and wail despondently. I personally know several people who do this all the time, but be advised that people will shush you if you’re crying too loudly so bringing a pillow or a blanket or a hoodie or something to weep into is usually recommended. Also, sometimes at 1 AM they’ll bring by carts with free snacks, and the lady who hands them out generally feels bad for you and gives you some extra treats if you make sure to sob just a little louder when she walks by.

            Over there by our Smith Memorial Bell Tower we’ve got our famous Frary dining hall.

    It’s probably the most Hogwarts-esque dining hall at the 5C’s, except we’ve got a giant mural of a naked guy. Fun fact (!), students kept throwing food at his dick so they blurred it out. Frary is personally my favorite place to miserably curl my arms around myself and succumb to my sorrows because even though our patriarchal society might make men feel de-masculinized for showing emotions, at least you know that your castrated bro Prometheus feels your pain. Sometimes it gets a bit awkward as people step over you to put their plates and stuff away but I guess it’s just nice to have him watching over you while you wrap yourself into a ball and weep into the tile floors.

            Right behind Frary you can already start to see our friendly next-door neighbor, Claremont McKenna College, so you can see how close the colleges really are to each other.

    Fun fact (!), all the 5C’s are actually within one square mile! So if you keep walking that way, you’ll get to Scripps, Pitzer and Harvey Mudd in just a few minutes. In the spirit of consortial relations, if you’re looking to branch out and expand the places where you sink into your own despair and weep violently into the ground, you really can’t beat Mudd. That’s basically all they do over there anyways, so you’ll feel included in campus culture right away.

    On the other hand, I would not recommend Pitzer. There are far too many cacti around, which can make it a bit of a hazard if you’re looking to crumple to your knees and look up at the sky and despairingly shout, “Why God, Why?”  Plus, if you accidentally swallow some of your tears while you’re otherwise preoccupied rocking back and forth in the fetal position, they will shame you for consuming products of animal suffering.”

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