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Transports Reach Record High Due to Parents Weekend 2020

 

Campus Security published the following statement Monday morning in response to the frightening levels of ambulances that visited campus this past weekend:

Parents and Students, 

We apologize for the unfortunate and unscheduled on-campus events that happened over Parents Weekend, a tradition of utmost importance to us here at the 5Cs. We have heard your complaints about the excessive amount of emergency transportation that occurred recently, but we would also like to reiterate we do not tolerate the drunken behavior reported on campus including but not limited to: treating Hub employees like Chilis waitresses, throwing oneself off of the cube into the shallow water, and giving students mental health issues.

Best,

Your Favorite Golf-Cart Uber Service

This statement follows on the heels of various lawsuits parents filed against the 5Cs on Sunday afternoon. Twenty-two parents, who believed they could “still keep up with the kids” and “show you youngsters how to drink,” were transported over the course of Friday and Saturday nights and subsequently filed complaints. 

Students reported mass confusion upon arriving at North Quad to discover that in-house favorites such as “Mo Bamba” and “Sicko Mode” had been replaced with the tunes of Barry Manilow and Jimmy Buffet. Allegedly the parents came loaded with the half-empty bottles from the liquor cabinet you were so sure they would never notice you stole from. Things got out of hand when several parents mistook Four Loko as their favorite low-cal seltzer water from Sprouts and subsequently passed out at Green Beach after muttering “We’ve got a big day tomorrow, time to get some rest.” 

Campus Security has issued plans to institute an Everfi Alcohol Edu training program for all parents that wish to visit the 5Cs next year. 
Writers from the Claremont Independent stated it was the best weekend of the year: “I finally felt comfortable being openly fiscally and socially conservative with some real Americans who hate that ancient bitch Nancy Pelosi as much as I do.”

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