WASHINGTON, D.C. — On Wednesday, January 6, 2021, alt-right terrorists descended on the nation’s capitol building in a shocking coup nobody saw coming except people who read the news or the people who publicly organized it. While American coups are typically staged overseas or at least a thousand miles south of Washington D.C., Americans are not allowed into other countries this year because the Covid-19 pandemic has unfairly ravaged America far worse than other countries. Therefore, in order to maintain some semblance of normalcy, President Donald J. Trump agreed to host our coup this year on home turf.
A close advisor to President Trump stated, “It is our duty as Americans to be a part of a coup on a semi consistent basis,” he sighed, “but this year, not even the most desperate rebel groups wanted our help.” Sources have confirmed that before choosing D.C. as the location for the most recent coup, The Trump administration was strongly considering Venezuela. However, both contested leaders, Guaido and Maduro, refused U.S. military help due to Covid-19 concerns.
After such little resistance to Wednesday’s shenanigans, The White House is easing concerns about America’s upcoming obligation to engage in a war. Due to global travel bans, many citizens are preparing for an all-American war of a more civil nature. Seeing the sheer volume of brave volunteers from January’s 6th patriotic coup, federal officials no longer believe it will be necessary to pull from a draft for the next war. American troops may not be able to leave the United States until the army has herd immunity, thus pleasing many military officers who subscribe to America first politics.