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TSL Refuses to Publish My Op-Ed on Why Anal Should be the First Base

 

It seems that the popular trend of silencing brave voices on campus has officially spread to our friends at TSL. While the shameful newspaper has no qualms with publishing inconsequential pieces on things like the upcoming presidential election and something they call ‘sports,’ they refuse to give a platform to perhaps the most underrated journalist of our generation: me. Despite all the efforts of the cowards at TSL to censor me, I will not be silenced. My cause is too righteous to give up on.  

For years, our society has been subjected to the same oppressive, patriarchal, and quite frankly barbaric rules around sex. Who’s to say what dairy products are too fermented to safely use as lubrication? My pH balance should stay between me and my industrial-strength Monistat. (Fun fact: they make it for horses, too!) The rigid framework that dictates what is appropriate to do with our bodies has reigned for too long, I say. It is time that we reconstruct the world around with us, and we need to start by agreeing that anal should be the first base.

Hear me out: kissing is way too intimate to be first base. Why should I have someone else’s face all up in my grill on the first date? Yuck!!!! I would much rather start off nice and slow with some good ol bussy stimulation. Put those nasty breath mints away and stick your meaty digits up my throbbing butt hole, already!

To me, nothing is more romantic than an evening of good food, the best wine $7 can buy, and some mediocre anal fisting. But apparently, TSL hates romance, women’s sexual pleasure, and freedom of the press. So join me in standing up to censorship by taking it up the poop shoot like a champ. It’s what George Orwell would want you to do.   

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