While the recent University of Maryland letter from a sorority leader has quickly made it way around the internet, The Golden Antlers is not immune to internal drama. Early this morning sources close to Editor-in-Chief Clancy Tripp leaked a controversial email she sent late Sunday night to the entire staff. The email is reproduced below:
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever goddamn Poppa chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this publication staff, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with CMC upperclassmen. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Clancy, I’ve been having so much fun writing for the Forum and welcoming underclassmen to our community this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on campus and do it myself. I did not start The Golden Antlers to entertain the fucking community at large, I STARTED IT TO MAKE THE SENIORS LIKE ME.
I do not give a flying fuck, and the Class of 2013 does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to write opinion articles about how much Daft Punk’s new song tickles your pickle. You have 3 years out of your fucking college career to write 8:27 Procrastination articles and eat stupid fucking Hub curly fries with Iris Liu, and this year is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This year is about making upperclassmen think we’re hilarious and fostering relationships with hot, older dudes with hair like Seth Winteroth’s. Smokin’ bros who will lend me their cars for Coachella and take me to Liquorland and laugh at my jokes. And that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to stand around and make graphs about dining hall prices and just generally be more fucking boring than a goddamn stupid Gender Studies thesis. Newsflash you stupid cocks: SENIORS DON’T LIKE BORING UNDERCLASSMEN. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: CONNER BARCLAY IS NEVER GOING TO TAKE US ON A FUCKING HELICOPTER RIDE IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.
This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about taking a side job at the Forum IN FRONT OF SEAN MCQUEEN. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore Green Pod night time events. If Wade Vaughn openly said “Yeah, I’m gonna invite the Claremont Independent staff for a cruise in my convertible”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be writing for other, lamer publications, I don’t give a FUCK if Remey Pinson works there, if James Havlicheck works there, or if you want some sort of “legitimate journalistic job” after graduation. YOU DON’T FUCKING WRITE SERIOUS ARTICLES. YOU. DON’T. WRITE. SERIOUS. ARTICLES. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other golden staffers to leave with you. (SEAN MCQUEEN?!? BEN TURNER?!?)
“But Clancy!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been going to Pub and not assaulting anyone, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT 5C FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at TNC and day parties and shit (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s a kegstand?” is not fucking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the CMS Football Team. The CMS. Fucking. Football. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about DIII sports, YOU SHOTGUN BEERS UNTIL YOU CANT WALK STRAIGHT AND THEN YOU MAKE SEX EYES AT GAVIN FROM ACROSS A BEER PONG TABLE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO GREEN BEACH? ARE YOU FUCKING WAITING TIL YOU’RE 21? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the 5C journalistic community is going to make Miles Bird table us like a senate resolution. Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY NOT THE FUCKING COOL SENIORS. I will fucking dick punch the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you J-Board me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.
“Ohhh, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that writes editorials for the Claremont Portside or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:
STOP FUCKING THIS UP FOR ME.
I’m not fucking kidding. Stop ruining my one chance to make people like me. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS COMEDIC PUBLICATION. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to Evin Otis or write penis jokes, I’m too sober”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t fucking write for The Golden Antlers unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for my publication. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at Pirate Party and acting like a fucking idiot in front of David Hirsh, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.
– The Editor in Fucking Chief
– Clancy Tripp CMC ’15, concept by Sarah Servin CMC ’15
Clancy, I will take you for a ride in my convertible any day.