Weeks After the Rankings, #1 College Pomona Emotionally Burdened

The aftershock of Pomona College’s number 1 ranking has manifested itself in the behaviors of the reluctantly perfect students.

Hundreds of gifted Sagehens now feel unsafe on their home turf, constantly being reminded by the manicured lawns and historic architecture that their college is #1 in the country. “It’s really hard being number one,” says Kristopher Freud PO ’18. “You know how we’re number one? How we are the best college in the country? I wish we’d just stop talking about it. That we’re number one, I mean. We’re not any better than the other 5C’s, except technically CMC, Pitzer, Scripps and that other one. We’re all equal, except that we’re at least 16 spots higher on completely irrelevant but frequently cited rankings.”

Freud has begun to spend every waking moment away from the pressures of being the best, spending his time wandering around Margaret Fowler garden at #68 Scripps, repeating the phrase, “You is kind. You is smart. You is important. You is student at number one college.”  Hundreds of Sagehens like Freud have also sought refuge in the quaint atmosphere of the #76 Liberal Arts College in the country, Pitzer College.

Several students were found erecting a marble statue of the number ‘1’ outside Big Bridges as a symbol of the injustice imposed upon them. “Future generations of top students will be able to look across our perfectly trimmed shrubberies and find solace in its alabaster walls knowing that Sagehens can unite as one during these difficult times,” Ari Yuan PO ‘16 remarked.

Another student, Winston Higgins PO ‘19, said, “I just wish, sometimes, that I could go to CMC, which was ranked Happiest College because the student body is so adorably naïve. They know nothing of the hardships of being the number one college. So sweet, so simple, so ignorant and optimistic.” The student looks longingly across Sixth Street: “If only they knew the pressures of being number one. Which we are.” According to our reports, Higgins was reportedly found later dispensing Invisalign Braces to his fellow classmates and instructing them to smile.

When asked how the rankings affected him, another Pomona student simply stated, “Microaggressions. First Street. Our superiority haunts me everywhere. Even our mascot, the Sagehen, is known to be the top of every tropical equatorial food chain. We literally cannot stop being the best. And it’s killing me.”

The Golden Antlers would like to encourage readers to reach out to Pomona students at this difficult time in the following ways:

• Invite them to eat in Collins so they can be surrounded by mediocrity
• Participate in a burning of the Princeton Review
• Encourage them to welcome prospective students at Mudd to remark, “Your lives will be so easy.”
• Weep silently and hold hands in mutually assured superiority

UPDATE: After learning that US News & World Report did not, in fact, place the heavy burden of a Number 1 ranking upon Pomona students, our interviewee Winston Higgins PO ‘19 remarked, “Those rankings have no idea what they’re talking about. Stanford is overrated.”

– Anna Balderston CMC ‘18  Brendan Busch CMC ‘18, Jacksón Smith, Zachary Miller PO ‘18