Earlier in the semester, the Rose sent out an email informing the entire student body about their recent hires. As this organization is of the highest caliber among groups at the Claremont Consortium, we decided here at the Golden Antlers, an equally high caliber group at the Claremont Consortium, that we should reply to their email.
Dear The Rose,
We would like to inform you that, after a much more intense selective process than yours, the Indomitable Golden Antlers of the New World Order is proud to announce our New Hires. We are happy to announce the hiring of sophomore Perry Harrison, 40-year old man-baby Steve Jacobson, CMC President Hiram Chodosh, Jacksón’s mom, the Wonder Twins, a coked-out squirrel, and that one freshman that thinks TNR is super fun.
They hail from the basement of the mail room to the outer reaches of space to RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND YOU, bringing an array of talents and experiences to our headquarters in the sex dungeon underneath the athenaeum. Some of our new minions have worked during their high school careers for their Wendy’s that smells a little too much like chloroform, drug-running in the hard streets of Palo Alto, fighting Diabolus the Accuser, eating quinoa, and generally being better than you. Over the course of their first semester as Golden Antlers minions, they will participate in research into new flavors of La Croix, attempting to resurrect the ghost of Adam Smith, instituting Cocaine Tuesdays, and most importantly our New Hire Project that is slightly better than yours; but mostly the Cocaine Tuesdays thing. Our New Hire Project requires each New Hire to produce a human sacrifice for the annual Purge!
Just thought you’d like to know!
The Golden Antlers