Welcoming Officer Red Dogg

 

This past month, Campus Security welcomed a new member to the force: Officer Red Dogg. With the 5C faculty’s lack of diversity drawing complaints, Dogg’s hiring marks an improvement upon Camp Sec’s currently 100% Homo sapien makeup.

With a keen sense of scent perfect for tracking down kids smoking on the Pomona trails and the agility needed for chasing after drunken streakers across Parent’s Field, Dogg provides an objectively unique skill-set to the force. Students around the Claremont Consortium praise Dogg’s addition to Camp Sec such as Matt Robson, CMC ‘19. “He just gets it, dude. Most people, they come into a smoke sesh and they aren’t chill with the atmosphere but Dogg? He just slums it on the couch with us and goes hard on our cereal stash while we watch ‘Rick and Morty’.”

Other supporters of this initiative maintain that Dogg’s hiring opens up a new floodgate of opportunity for other underrepresented groups within the Claremont faculty, such as the teeming, occasionally rabid 5C squirrel population. As a member of the Claremont Students for Animal Rights Club, Maya Boornan, Scripps ‘20, hails the effort as “combatting the mental illness issues associated with squirrel idleness due to unemployment and the stress of acorn collecting season.”

Accordingly, before Camp Sec’s hiring staff begins evaluating the next round applications, animals around the Consortium aim to get a head start on their training. In an effort to track the productivity of the 5C animal population, a recent study by the Roberts Environmental Center concluded that the 5C squirrel population gained “a statistically significant amount of weight in direct correlation to the time of Doggs’ hiring.” This dramatic change was found to have resulted from an “unprecedented consumption of half-drunken Natty-Lites and left-over Dominos pizza crust at TNC.” Students also attest to a shift in the animals’ mannerisms, with Pitzer sophomore Julie Seer claiming that a squirrel “nabbed a fat blunt” straight from her hands.

This isn’t the first time that Camp Sec has attempted rebranding itself. Since the 2009 release of Paul Blart: Mall Cop, Camp Sec has undergone extreme efforts to separate itself from its cliched depiction of chubby white clowns. Few remember when, in 2010, all Campus Sec “off road vehicles”- otherwise known as golf carts- were tricked out with YOLO bumper stickers. Or when, as one officer stated, the entire staff “simultaneously underwent invasive hair transplant surgery to rock the Bieber hair,” in an effort to “avoid stifling party vibes”. Similarly, this past spring, Camp Sec unanimously altered their uniform dress code to strictly enforce the “repping” of solely Adidas Superstars.

While most Camp Sec Officers remain unwilling to discuss these contemporary rebranding efforts, Officer Furryass did make a statement to the Golden Antlers. He stated, “Ruff, Ruff, Ruff, Ruff, Ruff, Ruff, Woof!”


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