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What Really Happened to Pitzer’s Lost $40,000


The news that $40,000 recently vanished from the Pitzer College Student Senate budget at the end of last semester was recently broken by the The Student Life, to much outrage and confusion. However, while the TSL left this mystery very much open-ended, the incredible investigative minds at the Golden Antlers have pieced together a list of very likely possibilities as to what really happened to this money:

  1. Underground swing-set/hammock emporium reserved for only the most elite of Pitzer students
  2. The Student Senate made a secret deal with Harvey Mudd students to funnel the money towards the illicit creation of a giant, mega-cactus that would reign over all other cacti and be the ultimate cactus overlord
  3. The Scripps Squirrels and their allies were responsible for the theft of the $40,000, which they plan to use for the funds and resources of their eventual coup/takeover of the 5C’s
  4. A really big bong. This is actually what most Pitzer students thought the Pitzer Geodome was.  
  5. A nice starbs run
  6. Scripting, casting, and production for the CMS Track Scandal. In fact, all of the “students” involved in the incident were Hollywood B-List actors clandestinely paid by the Pitzer College Student Senate to smear CMS Athletics’ reputation as part of its long-term plot to launch a Sagehen hegemony.
  7. Legal fees for the CMS Track Scandal production going horribly, actually wrong.
  8. Moccasins for all Pitzer students to wear to demonstrate their compassionate solidarity with Native Americans.
  9. Subsidized Uber Black rides to the LA climate march.
  10. Hacky sacks!
  11. Juuls for every single student
  12. 2 yachts for yacht club 
  13. Free membership to socially conscientious, feminist porn site for all Pitzer students
  14. Luxury swing set for the Pitzer chickens
  15. A bunch of previous year’s clubs that were too lazy to officially register as clubs again just kept using the credit card because there was zero supervision whatsoever and even less fucks given


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95 Theses

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