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When the Nest is Fucking Crowded: a How to Guide for 5C Parents

 

As news becomes less reliable, more and more people look to the Golden Antlers to answer the most important questions of the day. While we usually prefer to give out medical advice, today we’re proud to be answering some questions from the concerned parents of first year students venturing into the new world of online classes.

Q: Why is my kid still here?
A: Basically, you did too good of a job. Your kid is obsessed with you. 

Q: How can I make my child’s fall experience feel like college?
A: Let your house become progressively more filthy until it looks like that fish tank from Finding Nemo. Hang fairy lights, dope movie posters, and Teal Dot certifications on every surface. Fill your kid’s drain with hair and you’ll be all set. Their own filth will build up to the point where it will truly start to feel like they’re living in a community with like-minded peers.

Q: Can I still convert my child’s bedroom? 
A: Yes, your kid will obviously be more healthy (and happy!) if they live in a home gym. Simple math.

Q: Guess we’re postponing the divorce another year. Any advice for couples who hate each other? 
A: You know what they say: A new baby is like saltwater, always a solution! 

Q: Can my partner and I resume our sex life even though our kid is home all day? 
A: Yes, you will help prepare them for college if you force them to work through the noise. A nice touch could be sexiling them from their own bedroom. It may be their room, but this is still your house. 

Q: What is tik tok? 
A: A song by Ke$ha.

Q: Why is my child so angry that they are at home?
A: They shouldn’t be angry, they should be grateful they are with you. Take measures to invalidate their emotions by explaining this. 

Q: Why does my teen keep leaving socks on his door handle? 
A: To air them out. They get really sweaty when he masturbates. 

Q: How can I make sure my kid isn’t using a Juul or other contraband?  A: Jails have taught us that kiester searches are the most effective preventative measure. If your child doesn’t consent to this, they are definitely doing loads of drugs.

Q: What do I say if my teen’s mask is showing too much skin? 
A: Those straps better be two inches thick. 

Q: Is it bad if I get fucked up with my kids?
A: Just don’t have any regrettable hookups. 

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