Where the Fuck is Oldenborg?: A Pocket Guide for Seniors Who Still Don’t Know Where Things are After 3 Years

 

I know what you’re thinking, “I’ve been here for so long already, after spending 3 years in Claremont, I know I can draw an exact map of each of the campuses and include the topography and geographical coordinates of important buildings on it.” But we all know that you spent too many nights crawling around CMC looking for a party after downing half a bottle of Green Apple Smirnoff because you hate yourself. So that’s why the Golden Antlers have so graciously created a pocket guide for those seniors who still don’t know where the fuck Oldenborg and other shit is.

1. Oldenborg Center: Built in 1966, it’s that big concrete building on Pomona’s campus (we’re pretty sure Pomona keeps their nuclear arms in the basement). If one day you awaken from drunken slumber and ask “Where Am I?” to someone and they respond “أولدإنبورغ,” you’re probably in Oldenborg.

2. Sky Space: Look up. It’s in between the stratosphere and the clouds. Pomona installed it in 2007. People go here to make out and “smoke some clouds.” It also might just be at Pitzer somewhere.

3. Broad Hall: It’s actually pronounced “bro-de” like that museum in LA (yes, Pitzer gets donations too. Well, technically). It’s between Narrow Dorm and Comprehensive Hall.

4. Pamela Gann Quadrangle: Even though CMC claims this is a real place, we can’t find it on Google; so we’re not entirely sure it actually exists.

5. Keck Graduate Institute: No joke, it’s on top of Blaze Pizza. Pro tip, they have a secret menu where you can top your pizza with the tears of graduate students who haven’t slept in over twenty days because of the constant pizza rager happening downstairs.

6. Broad Center: Wait, didn’t we already do this one?

7. Your Advisor’s Office: You know that person that you email the night before registration asking if they can give you access to sign up for classes despite never meeting with them because you told them that you didn’t have enough time, even though you were just watching the new season of Narcos in your bed? Well, apparently they have an office, and it’s conveniently located 5 minutes from your dorm room; but, who the hell cares, it’s not like you’ll go to anyways.

8. Oldenborg Theater: Despite students never having fully located where the fuck Oldenborg is, Pomona professors still insist on showing movies and documentaries in the Oldenborg theater. Legend has it that it’s in the basement, but no one can confirm this since we don’t know how to get there.

9. Skandera Hall: Is it Skandera Hall or is it West Hall? If you have a class here, there’s 100% chance of you getting lost. Good luck trying to differentiate between the two — Pitzer students can’t even do it.

10. Dom’s Lounge: “DUUDDE, PUB IS LIT TONIGHT.” Ever heard these words eloquently slurred from that guy pissing in the Bauer fountain? You want in on that action? Good luck, there has been a ten person squad from TNR looking for it since last week.

11. Jacqua Quadrangle: Jacqua is the main quad at Scripps in front of Toll Hall. The more important mystery is how you pronounce it. Is it Jay-Kwah, Jack-wah, Jah-kwa (with a soft j)?

Reporting by Natalie Brown, Alex Valdesuso, and Jacksón Smith

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