It’s move-in day. Tears can be seen in the eyes of students as they bid farewell to their loved ones. Little do they know that won’t be the last tear they shed today. So many aspects of our daily lives change during the transition into college, but there is one thing that stays constant: that which we do on the toilet. In this private setting, new students find their eyes welling up once more due to single-ply toilet paper (SPTP). The details of what SPTP is capable of doing to a person are too graphic to be published here, but one anonymous first-year likened his first encounter with SPTP as “having his salad tossed by a belt sander.” How is it the case that students at this consortium – which has a combined endowment of $4 billion – find themselves dreading every wipe? The answer: corruption.
How bad are things really? Since 2017, toilet paper thickness at the Claremont Colleges has decreased drastically. At the current rate, students will wipe with depression-era poop paper by spring semester 2022. It’s a concerning trend, and you can bet that where there’s smoke, there’s fire.
The 2017 downturn could have resulted from any number of factors: Donald Trump was inaugurated as the United States’ 45th President, Kim Jong-Nam was assassinated at Kuala Lumpur International Airport, and the Estonian Philharmonic Chamber Choir released their most critically acclaimed album to date, “Kõrvits: Moorland Elegies.” But perhaps the most striking “coincidence” is that in 2017 Gabrielle Starr became president of Pomona College.
An erotic garden gnome phishing scheme recently uncovered several classified emails sent from Starr’s account. Buried within these emails is an unofficial copy of the Pomona Budget. According to this file, Pomona’s budget allocates $600,000 for “Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper”: the Cadillac of bog rolls. Where is the Charmin Ultra Soft you may ask? And if there is no Charmin Ultra Soft, where is the $600,000? Because it sure as shit isn’t going towards the sandpaper they put in the 5C bathrooms.
Could it be that Starr profits off of the discomfort of students’ buttholes? A photo sent as an email attachment entitled, “Pay Day ;)” suggests yes. Although it is hard to believe that the 5C administration’s commitment to their students could be compromised by their lust for profit, it is possible that there are several other players involved in this conspiracy. What we can be certain of is that so long as Starr continues to skim off the top, students will be left struggling to skim the poop off of their bottoms.