Why We Trust The “Claremont Independent [sic]”

Claremont Independent Editorial, Claremont Independent-style

 

Standing in solidarity with the Claremont Independent’s recent cry for help against our “censorious[sic], bigoted[sic], oversensitive [sic]” “peers[sic],” The Golden Antlers presents a letter delivered to us early this morning:

From the Editorial Board Bros of the Claremont Independent:

Dear closet conservatives hiding in Robert’s Pavilion and our beloved readers across the globe, there has been a lot of hubbub in the past few days about how “our stories are so much more successful than those of any other 5C publication. [‘thus it was written’]” Simply put, our style of reporting lets the facts speak for themselves. Here at the Claremont Independent, we opt for “for sensationalism over accuracy and impartiality. [‘thus it was written’]”

Our articles have been accused of “bullying[sic],” but after extensive, impartial research, we found that our reporting style is “widely viewed as acceptable [‘thus it was written’]”. The truth as we know it requires in depth research. The Claremont Colleges need a way to “keep students informed about all of the events TSL is too … correct to write about [‘thus it was written’].” And so, trying to find the most truthy truth on a college campus moist with last night’s liberal circle jerk, we now look to the only publication we can trust — the Claremont Independent — for the only true “safe[sic] space[sic]” of facts about the Claremont Independent.

The Claremont Independent offers us several tips on the way they interpret truth:

First, because “a large audience (such as all students at Pitzer College) always provides a better picture of the ideas they wish to project than a quote given to a single writer representing the Independent,[‘thus it was written’]” we always ask for our quotes to be from a large audience, like a random sample from youtube comments agreeing with us, not from individual voices trying to talk to us.

Second, “students … are [literally] thrown out the window when dealing with “shady people of color [‘thus we interpret it to be written’],” so we don’t deal with “shady people of color [‘thus we interpret it to be written’].”

Third, we uphold our mission of providing a “speculative narrative about how upper-middle class, white, cisgender STEM majors” can write on “all of the events TSL is too politically correct to write about. [‘thus it was definitely written to mean this’]”

Fourth, truth comes from the number of people that agree with us. “National media outlets routinely pick up our articles because of the fact that we … [opt for] … sensationalism over accuracy and impartiality. [‘thus, ignoring minor cosmetic edits, it was mostly written’]”  

Look, we like writing and saying nonsense, just like everyone. Candidly, “Anyone who has followed the Independent this year knows that we … bigoted [‘thus it was written and is therefore true’].” But, most of the time, we “don’t think anyone is listening [‘thus it was said and never listened to’],” which is why we are capable of “no inaccuracy or bias in the Independent’s version of the story. [‘thus was never written nor spoken by anyone of credibility’]”

The Last Sane Voice,

The Editorial Board Bros at the Claremont Independent

*Note: all quotes are completely representative of the original author’s intent

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