“Another year, another dollar!” That’s what we say here at The Golden Antlers. At least, that’s what we used to say before our previous Editor in Chief got us banned from Google AdSense after running a clickfarm in middle school. Now, it’s “another year, same dollar as last time.” Oh boy, what a year it has been! The pandemic came and went, racism started and ended, and the billionaires finally gave all that money back to the Wichita Parks Department. Philanthropy never looked so good! In case you missed all the good times, join us as we count down top 20 favorite moments of 2020.
- January 1, 2020: Arby’s opened their doors for the first time, marking a historic day for the door community.
- January 27, 2020: Whale President Narwhal Jones praised globally for his inspiring speech: “WEEEAEEEAAEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU”
- February 9, 2020: Men!
- March 3, 2020: You finished while on Lexapro (she didn’t, but hey, Rome wasn’t built in a day, champ. You’ll get ‘em next time).
- March 18, 2020: The economy finally trickled down!
- April 8, 2020: Oil prices hit an all-time low and world leaders collectively decided we don’t need oil anymore so we won’t have it in 2021.
- April 23, 2020: The mass spontaneous combustion of all incels, as ordered by New World Order president, Mr. Jewish Richman.
- May 2, 2020: Your mom said she was sorry.
- May 13, 2020: Big Golf fined $700 million USD by congress for inflating the price of medicinal putters during the pandemic.
- June 14, 2020: America finally became great again, forcing President Trump to coin his new campaign slogan, “Pee Pee Poo Poo.”
- July 17, 2020: Nevada, in an effort to rebrand itself, began requiring its congresspeople to wear blocks of cheese on their head in public spaces.
- July 18, 2020: The great Nevada-Wisconsin War of 2020 commences but ended after a heartwarming acapella performance of My Heart Will Go On.
- August 21, 2020: Mitch McConnell ate scrambled eggs on Instagram Live.
- August 24, 2020: The class of 2021 died in a tragic car crash, much to the relief of Gabi, Hiram, Laura, Melvin, and the lizard at the helm of Harvey Mudd.
- September 12, 2020: You bought a mandolin!
- October 5, 2020: A Pomona College professor was quoted in an LA Times article.
- November 7, 2020: Kamala Harris became the first woman.
- November 17, 2020: The climate decided to accept herself for who she and stopped changing.
- December 15, 2020: “America’s Landlords” awarded Time’s Person of the Year.
- December 30, 2020: The Golden Antlers pooled together all our stimulus checks and bought our website for another year.
In lieu of a conclusion, please repeat after me: God Bless the New York Jets, and God Bless 2020.
The Golden Antlers