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3 Time Management Tips for Balancing Your Academics, Social Life, and Undying Devotion to Ba’althoraxar the Blood God


We’ve all been there: You’ve got a 10-page paper due at midnight but you promised your friends you’d get blackout drunk with them when all of a sudden the voice of Ba’althoraxar pops into your head, demanding a sacrifice. Not again! Next thing you know you’re breaking into the Pitzer coop to steal a chicken and slit its throat, thinking “How did I get into this mess?” The answer, my friends, is poor time management skills. And with these three handy tips, you’ll be able to build the perfect schedule for you and your demonic master!

1. Violate Academic Integrity

Going to a premier liberal arts college can be a lot of work! The good news is that it doesn’t need to be a lot of work for you. Simply plagiarize essays and copy your friend’s homework and you’ll free up time in your schedule for the things that really matter: binge drinking and service to Ba’althoraxar.

2. Enter a Trance State

Sometimes, I have so much work that it seems almost impossible to finish on time. It’s times like these that I like to call upon the eldritch powers I received in my contract with Ba’althoraxar and enter a trance state as his spirit possesses my body, allowing me to work at inhuman speeds and also dominate in onlineTetris.

3. Drop Out

Professors complaining about your assignments being written in the indecipherable script of the Great Old Ones? On academic probation for plagiarizing? Roommate asking uncomfortable questions about the spatters of chicken blood on the ceiling? Just drop out! It’s not like you were going to do anything with that liberal arts degree anyway — Ba’althoraxar teaches us that mortal intellectualism is a folly, for the true nature of things is unknowable.


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