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    “It Was Really All Just Hypothetical Anyways,” Pitzer Admin On Like Social Justice and Stuff


     Pitzer College recently illegally fired three dining service workers for being pro-union. When asked for justification, they stated “because we can, na na na na boo boo,” and President Strom Thacker affirmed this message by blowing a raspberry and clapping his hands like a happy toddler. In an exclusive interview with the Golden Antlers, one […] More

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    Stupid Women Clearly Never Heard of a Coat Hanger


     By Guest Author Samuel “Justice” Alito Look, women, I know that you’re pissed, but I’m sick of you sticking your noses where you don’t belong. You need to leave important matters like your rights up to those who know what’s best for you: us. After 1,746 years living on this earth as a man, I […] More

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    Due to Housing Shortage, Scripps College Ritually Executes Students, Houses Them in Holes in Ground


     Dear Girlboss, You are receiving this email as you were unable to make a housing selection due to the shortage of rooms during room draw, our campus partners are in the process of obtaining additional inventory at College Park to meet this need. However, because of unusually high demand for housing for Fall 2022, we […] More

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    Jesus Finally Comes


      This Easter Sunday, Lent will finally be over, and the Pope can’t wait for Jesus to come. For 50 whole days, Franky had to practice abstinence and not eating meat (only on Fridays though–the rest of the time, he’s chomping beef to his heart’s content). Good Lord, it’s so long! So he really can’t […] More

  • Kravis and Roberts as Two Turkeys
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    Kravis and Roberts Don’t See What’s So Bad About Thanksgiving


      PALM BEACH, FL — In an unexpected press conference, Henry Kravis and George Roberts recently stated that they, “don’t see what’s so bad about Thanksgiving.” The duo, clad in matching turkey-print pajamas in the queen-sized bed they share at their Florida vacation home, were apparently taken with the “Thanksgiving Spirit,” and chose to “set […] More

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    Angela Davis Not Getting Into Heaven After Upstaging Jesus’ Ath Talk


     “What the hell?” Jesus was heard saying to an almost-empty Ath this Thursday. “I am literally Jesus. What could possibly have drawn the throngs away from witnessing my miracles live and in-person?” He lamented, dejectedly putting his top hat and rabbit back in His magic kit.  At first Jesus thought it was rampant atheism at […] More

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    Commemorate the Patriarchy with CMC’s Retro Apparel Line


     Finally Claremont McKenna has answered the age-old question, “How can we say we hate having women at our school, but make sure we still get their tuition money?” To celebrate Claremont McKenna’s 75th anniversary, the CMC supply shop now features a “retro line” of clothing and accessories honoring the glorious and objectively putrid era before […] More