Confirmed: Every New Student Has Friends Except You

A new study released this morning has confirmed what you already know: you are the only new student in the entire 5Cs without a friend group.

“Yeah, everyone else in my hall came together instantly,” said your RA. “By the time I’d finished dragging them through icebreakers, everyone had maneuvered themselves into circles of perfectly-matched friends that are still intact now. All except this loser.”

Your roommate echoed your RA’s opinion, adding, “I’m super sad the system stuck me with them. We have nothing to talk about, even though we share a room, dining hall, core curriculum, and pooled covid test tube.”

Your roommate(s) then fled your room and joined your cool neighbors to go to a party, get froyo, and do a bunch more fun things, all of which they know you want to do and are purposefully excluding you from.

The study also found that the entire rest of your class is in a secret Slack group, where they share the times and locations of parties. Every one of them attends these parties, and they always have a great time. Furthermore, each member of your class (except you) has hooked up with at least 3 people, entered into at least 1 committed relationship, and/or joined a giant, cohesive squad, where they spend many happy hours laughing at you specifically.

The authors of the study, those seniors you thought were being nice but really just pity you, were unable to explain the cause behind your being the one 1st year, sophomore, or transfer student without friends.

“We’re completely stumped,” one said. “They’ve been on campus for less than 3 months, they’re supposed to avoid gathering with people they don’t already know, and they’ve spent the past 18 months seeing no one but their parents and maybe a pet turtle. How could they be having trouble with their social life?”

It remains to be seen whether the ways new students normally make friends – joining clubs or teams, studying together, or scaling Browning Tower and screaming “PLEASE HANG OUT WITH ME, I AM SO LONELY” – will work for you. But, seeing as you’re the only one of 3682 new students who didn’t find their future wedding party within 3 days of move-in, they probably won’t. Oh well!